Another Day Without...

I know, I know. I didn’t post on time. But these last couple of nights, I have felt tired. A little defeated as well. It’s tires you out to have to wait. You are always on the edge. For example, yesterday (Wednesday) my husband called me after I had just seen him at lunch, I answer the phone (already nervous since I’m at work, and he’s calling) and he says, “GUESS WHAT????” I right away assume that he got a call from our social worker and he’s calling me to tell me… no. He wanted to tell me some current news that’s happening in the technology world. UGH! Frustration.

Also, sometimes, like last night, I feel like I’m the only one that is anxious to get a call… Like I’m the only one that is frustrated that we haven’t been called. That makes me upset. I know men show their emotions (if any) in different ways than women, but can’t I see a little bit of frustration coming from him. I know he’s trying to be strong for me, but sometimes it just feels as if he doesn’t care, instead of holding in his feelings.

I know it’s just me right now. But seriously, it’s tiring. It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. Why is it that other women have been blessed with children, yet they don’t take care of them, they don’t love them, they do horrible things to them? Yet me, nothing. I have so much love to give to my child, yet I’m being deprived from the feeling of being a mother. Apparently, somewhere in Daytona Beach, Florida, some woman whom was pregnant, drove her minivan in to the ocean with her other three children in the van. A 10 year old, a 9 year old, and a 3 year old. Plus, she was pregnant!!!!

How can I not be frustrated? How is it that this woman had three beautiful kids, and was still blessed with another one in her, yet she was willing to not only kill herself and her unborn child, but also her 3 children? I can’t even be blessed with one! One child that I will love so much and make sure they are provided with everything that they need, and never think of hurting them! But that’s life, right? I can only continue praying everyday like I do now, in hopes that today will be the day they call us. I already know that any phone number that shows up in our cell phone screens that begins with 558… is going to be the social worker.

Let’s hope, today will be the day.

-Nati Tristan-