Wednesday, March 12, 2014

From Good, To Bad, To Great!

Geez, a lot has happened since Saturday. Obviously, I’m not posting every day, it’s fairly hard to do when you have a full time job and full time school, plus your regular wife duties. Blah! Lol! But it’s good to stay pre-occupied. It’s definitely kept my mind off the whole NO CALL thing. That has been great.

Saturday was a good day, we spent it with family, still supporting eachother over the loss of my cousin. My aunt, seems to be doing much better. Although, I still keep being asked (EVERYTIME) if we got the call yet. UGH! I understand everyone’s excited. I really do, but it’s so hard to keep saying NO. They keep refreshing it in my mind that No, I’m not a mom yet! Plus, if we would have gotten a call, wouldn’t we already have a child with us? I just don’t know. It’s probably just me being irritated with the whole situation. It’s probably very hard for people to understand why I feel this way, but it’s just how it is.

Sunday was also a great day. Also spent it with family and also enjoyed it very much. I was able to see both of my little nieces and my little nephew today. That makes me happy. Anabella, Camila, and Ethan are my 3 little loves. My sister in law is pregnant and Camila will soon be a big sister. So soon I will have two nephews and two nieces. I’m very blessed. We are very blessed. I can’t wait to be able to have my baby so that he/she can have fun playing with his/her cousins! What a dream that would be!

Monday… oh Monday! That was not a fun day. I had work. 8-5. I felt a little on the edge that day in regards to mood. I think it was just the thought that I found out 5 different women were pregnant yesterday. I went to sleep Sunday night with a headache and truthfully, very sad. I thought I was over it, but I wasn’t apparently. It’s so hard. It’s just so hard. I want to be happy for them. I swear I do. That’s just the type of person I am. Happy for everyone! But in situations like these, I just can’t. Many people don’t understand why, but if you have been in a infertility situation as I am now, you will definitely understand why I’m feeling this way.

To top it off, I had a ton of homework. As soon as I got off work, I went to go have some chicken soup at my parents. Yummy! My mommy’s cooking always gets me in a better mood. I had been craving it all day too! So I quickly ate, then headed home. I’m in Chemistry this time around, and let me just say, I was crying towards the end of the night, thinking that I’m going to fail this class. I have a great GPA right now and I really don’t want it to get ruined. My husband even tried to help me, but just couldn’t figure it out either. I was so upset. I went to sleep really late.

I wake up Tuesday morning with a massive headache. I couldn’t even sleep. But at least the homework had been turned in and I had the next two days off. THANK GOD! Work was a good day as well. It was a gorgeous day! 70’s and  sunny. Awesome. I had lunch with my husband again (since I had lunch with him the day before too).  I got off work, checked the mail as I usually do and BAM! Another reminder that we haven’t received the call.

I ordered a Carseat Canopy from the website about 2 months ago. Soon after us getting the clear from inspection. I thought that by the time it arrived, we would definitely have our baby… I was actually a little annoyed that it was going to take so long to arrive because I wanted to have it by the time the call came. Yeah, no need to worry about that now. It’s definitely here before that… 2 months later to be exact!

It looked exactly as how I wanted it. It’s gorgeous… it made my heart melt to think this little blanket was for my baby… it even had its nick name on it. It matched its nursery. It’s perfect. Just as perfect as Baby Tristan will be. I can’t wait to have our baby.

I tried to think positive and I did. I know it’s going to happen. It can’t NOT happen. It’s just a matter of waiting. Patiently. As if it weren’t important… so it doesn’t consume your mind… heart… life!

We went out to have a nice dinner at a restaurant we had been wanting to try. It was nice to go out and have a nice dinner with my husband. We hadn’t done that in a while. We then came home, rested a little, went for a walk with our doggies, and then came home for a nice cup of tea before bed. It was overall a great evening.

I can’t complain about the very blessed and amazing life I have. The waiting part for “THE CALL” is what’s not letting me enjoy it. Although, I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, it does. But evenings like yesterday are the ones that remind me that everything will be ok. I have a wonderful husband, and a great life overall.

We just have to continue praying for the call.

-Nati Tristan

Rainy and pretty Monday Morning.

My Momma's Homemade Chicken Soup

Living hell of a night with Chemistry Homework!

Isn't it beautiful!?

The new place we tried.

Evening walk with my puppies.

Ending the night with a nice cup of tea. Mug was given to me by my mom.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

I Opened The Nursery Door...

It’s been a hard weekend. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Yesterday we had my cousin’s funeral. It was so hard to say goodbye. My family, although sad, all felt relief that my poor cousin wasn’t suffering anymore. She was such an amazing and strong warrior of God. She fought Cancer for so long, until her physical body could say no more, yet I knew her mind would never give up. We are all sadden by this loss, but the joy of knowing she is not in pain anymore, is starting to overcome that sadness. She will always be missed.

On the other hand, I’ve been dealing with my depression really well. I only had to take one Lorazapam throughout this entire weekend. That’s just great! The progress continues to be able to get through this. Maybe it’s my cousin, providing me a little of her strength to me. Now, in regards to baby, NO CALL YET! But I know it’ll come. I’m trying to be patient. But you just don’t understand how difficult it is to hear people asking, “ANY NEWS YET?” I know they are all concern and all excited for us, but trust us when we tell you that you would of heard us scream if we had received a call.

I did look inside the nursery today. Yup! Me. I opened the door and went in there… sat on the rocking chair, and did a little prayer. I must admit though that a few tears did appear. That fact that I was in that room, on a rocking chair, holding a stuffed animal, praying for my child, meant the world to me. I don’t know if the tears were of sadness or happiness that we were just waiting for the phone call. It’s so hard. I don’t intend to go in there any time soon. I didn’t want to leave now that I was in there. But once I closed the door behind me, I remembered how painful it is to be waiting.

I hope to provide you with “WE GOT A CALL” post soon. But for now, your prayers are so much wanted and appreciated.
-Nati Tristan-

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Another Day Without...

I know, I know. I didn’t post on time. But these last couple of nights, I have felt tired. A little defeated as well. It’s tires you out to have to wait. You are always on the edge. For example, yesterday (Wednesday) my husband called me after I had just seen him at lunch, I answer the phone (already nervous since I’m at work, and he’s calling) and he says, “GUESS WHAT????” I right away assume that he got a call from our social worker and he’s calling me to tell me… no. He wanted to tell me some current news that’s happening in the technology world. UGH! Frustration.

Also, sometimes, like last night, I feel like I’m the only one that is anxious to get a call… Like I’m the only one that is frustrated that we haven’t been called. That makes me upset. I know men show their emotions (if any) in different ways than women, but can’t I see a little bit of frustration coming from him. I know he’s trying to be strong for me, but sometimes it just feels as if he doesn’t care, instead of holding in his feelings.

I know it’s just me right now. But seriously, it’s tiring. It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. Why is it that other women have been blessed with children, yet they don’t take care of them, they don’t love them, they do horrible things to them? Yet me, nothing. I have so much love to give to my child, yet I’m being deprived from the feeling of being a mother. Apparently, somewhere in Daytona Beach, Florida, some woman whom was pregnant, drove her minivan in to the ocean with her other three children in the van. A 10 year old, a 9 year old, and a 3 year old. Plus, she was pregnant!!!!

How can I not be frustrated? How is it that this woman had three beautiful kids, and was still blessed with another one in her, yet she was willing to not only kill herself and her unborn child, but also her 3 children? I can’t even be blessed with one! One child that I will love so much and make sure they are provided with everything that they need, and never think of hurting them! But that’s life, right? I can only continue praying everyday like I do now, in hopes that today will be the day they call us. I already know that any phone number that shows up in our cell phone screens that begins with 558… is going to be the social worker.

Let’s hope, today will be the day.

-Nati Tristan-

Monday, March 3, 2014

3 Years Ago

It’s been three years ago today. Three years when I heard my doctor tell me he had found cancer. I woke up feeling great! I wasn’t going to let this day win. So I got ready for work, got my coffee and headed to work in this nice cloudy and foggy morning.

I struggled all day though. In the beginning when I got to work, I felt edgy and I felt like I didn’t have much tolerance to people. I tried to fight it, since I don’t want my personal life affect my job, and I did well. I had a quiet lunch by myself for most of it. My co-worker sat with me the last 15 minutes of my break and it was nice. She’s a good friend. I then went back to work, but I just wasn’t feeling myself. It’s been hard.

I continue working, I go on to opening internet explorer and the first thing on Yahoo, I see was: Scarlett Johannsen is Pregnant. Great!  I just wanted to cry. I know! I don’t even know this person! Yet, affects me as if she were my sister. Ugh! I just want to go home.

It’s finally time to go home, thank God!! It had been hard. I felt as if my husband was ignoring me all day by not answering my phone calls, or anything. I knew he was busy, but I just didn’t care. I was lonely. I was sad. I was very sad. I’m I was just happy to be heading home.

On my way home, I started to feel a tiny bit better. The sadness was slowly going away. I started cleaning the kitchen and put a load of laundry to wash. It felt good to be a little distracted. Plus, it helped that I was dusting our new furniture we got (end tables, coffee table, dinette set, and buffet server). My husband got home with some Carne Asada tacos, and off we went upstairs, him to fix a computer and me to do a ton of homework I had.

I got a huge headache and I wasn’t able to concentrate on my homework half way into it. So I decided to take a break and make a birthday card for a little girl I love. It felt good scrapping. I even used my Cricut Imagine, which I hadn’t turned on for weeks! After I finished the card, I came back to the computer to continue homework. I was in a lot better mood and my headache was starting to decrease. My husband then took me for a late froyo run. Yum! That made my day. He always knows how to cheer me up.
We got home, finished my homework and was happy that the day was over. I pray that tomorrow is a better day. March 3rd has always given me issues. I’m hoping that was the reason why I felt so crappy today. Let March 4th be better, God.

-Nati Tristan

My morning drive.

This is exactly how I feel recently.

Some joy for the day. :-)

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Sunday... Not Too Much Funday!

Today, overall was a good day. We went to my grandma’s house, as we do every Sunday, and had brunch. We then went to my husband’s job, it was really nice to see. He wanted to show me how big of an office was being made for him. He’s spoiled at work. He’s a software engineer and he’s really good at it. I’m very proud of my husband. Overall, during that time I was good. My mood was good, not the best, but good. As we headed out of his work, I started getting a headache. It started to irritate me and I could tell that it was starting to affect my mood. I just started getting sad. As we were driving to the mall, I tried to doze off for a bit, since I’ve noticed that when I take a little 5-10 minute power nap, it tends to help, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I had been looking forward to going to the mall, but when we arrived I didn’t really feel like being there anymore. It didn’t help that as we are walking through the doors, there TWO pregnant women standing in front of me. I know, it sucks.

We went to a couple of stores, and then to one of my favorite stores, Disney! My husband saw I wasn’t feeling too good, so he saw that I was looking at a mug (which I have more than enough, yet think I need to collect all the Disney ones), and said I should get it. That made me happy! I loved my new mug! We then went to Jamba Juice and had a delicious drink. As we are driving home, my aunt texts me to let me know that they were home. I was so excited! They just got the most darling little Yorkie ever!!!!!!!!!!! And I totally wanted to meet her.

So we headed over there and got to meet, Bambi! She’s just darling!! Very playful little doggy and she seems to be coping well with the new home. From there we left to my in-laws house. As we got there, they had Alice in Wonderland on and that got me so excited. I sat on the couch with my mother in law and my adorable little nephew, Ethan and watch it. Soon after his little sister joined us. Little miss Anabella! She’s one cute little niece I have.  I’m very lucky to have such wonderful nieces and nephew.

We then decided to go home. I wasn’t feeling too well again. My headache was just killing me at this point, we decided to get some sushi (which we didn’t end up liking a roll). We took it home, and started watching Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back Episode 5. We laid on the couch and I dozed off. I woke up just in time to go to my cousin’s rosary. My headache was practically gone, but not completely. After that, we came home, I did some homework, and just relaxed the rest of the night. I even was able to do a birthday card!

During this day though, the thought of them calling us would come in and out of my mind about every other hour. It’s funny how people can’t ever understand what is going on in your mind. But you understand it, Oh so well. Maybe tomorrow will be the day. Just maybe…
-Nati Tristan
The sushi we ate

This was the gorgeous sky we saw on our way to my cousin's rosary.
It was a huge dark cloud, yet the sunset was still visible. Gorgeous!

Back home, doing homework and watching Johnny Bravo!

Working on the blog, drinking my nightly tea in my new mug,
and the scrapspace waiting for me.


Saturday, March 1, 2014

Another day without Baby Tristan

Hello Everyone...

Thank you so much for coming back and visiting me. Today hasn't been too good of a day. It started off "MOODY" wanting to clean and just nothing really would get me in a good mood. It all changed. We were able to go visit my husband's grandfather, whom is 87. He's such an amazing man. His aura is just so peaceful and he, himself, is just overall a happy man. His words always gets to you and it's just a good feeling.  Afterwards, we hung out with my parents. That was a great time as well. We did some driving and did a lot of singing in the car. We dropped them off and everything was going great, then suddenly I got moody again. And it pissed me off. How can I be struggling so much? And something that really pisses me off is when people tell me, "I think you should take some of your pills."

First of all, that's rude! I understand I'm moody, and that I'm struggling, but the last thing I need is for one of my loved ones to tell me I should take a pill. That's not something I need YOU to tell me! Not cool!

I was able to feel better as we went to the rosary for my cousin whom passed away. That was overall sad, but so nice to see all the family together, and being there to support each other. Then on the later hour, I was once again pissy, moody, and I just wanted to leave. Nobody did anything to me. It was me. We drove back home in silence. I know my husband hated that I was so moody, but it's just so hard at times. We got home, did homework, watched some tv, and now I'm ready for bed. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I don't like spending my weekends so moody.

-Nati Tristan
Picture of us after visiting his grandpa.

And it's come to this...

We are now on the last day of February. A month and a half after passing inspection, and no call. It’s been a hard month and a half, and let me just say that I haven’t really been very patient. We have contacted our social worker, and she informed us that it’s starting to become a slow season.

Of course. As soon as we can get a baby… it slows down.

It’s been hard. I’ve put a rule in the house that the nursery door is not to be opened and should remain closed at all times. It’s even hard with the door closed. I have to pass by it every time I want to go to our bedroom or the office/scraproom. It’s so hard.

It’s hard to understand though. We’ve been trying for so long yet everything seems to go wrong. It also doesn’t help that my amazing cousin that was battling cancer for the past 2.5 years passed away 2 days ago. I’ve had to meet up with Lorazapam a lot more these past weeks. I’m just not myself.

On the contrary though, I’ve updated you with mostly everything I can update you in regards to our journey. From now on, you’ll just be hearing from me and how my daily journey continues until we at least get that call. Also, instead of posts coming in daily at 8am pacific, they will be coming in daily at 11pm. (There will be two posts today)

School started it and it has been a journey there too. Dealing with the depression, anxiety being such a large portion of my life right now, work, waiting for the call, and my dear cousin’s illness, has definitely taken a toll on me. But I will survive. I’m starting to sound like Gloria now. Ha-ha!

I’m hoping to God, that I can let you know soon when we get our baby Tristan. But for now, I’ll be coming here daily to let you know of the daily journey we continue to go through.

Thank you so much for your support, thus far. This has helped me, oh so much!

Now, off to bed, after a long day of work, homework, and visiting family, this rainy night is making me sleepy. Have a good night everyone! Love you all!
-Nati Tristan-

Friday, February 28, 2014

More Bull, More Bull, But No Baby... Yet!

September comes along, after doing some more research (since it had been 2 years since we had done this) we ended up going with the county to start our adoption process. Due to certain laws, we needed to become certified foster parents first and then we would be able to adopt once the child had been with us for 6 months. We were far away from that point though. Before we could even think of all that we had to go and do an orientation. This orientation was on Tuesday, September 24th from 6-8:30pm. We were only in the first week of September. Ugh! The excitement is making me impatient.

Still dealing with my anxiety attacks, a lot less from when I had first started with them, I was able to just focus my time in school and work. School had a large chunk of my time, even if I didn’t want to.

The Orientation finally came. They provided us with a huge packet and said that we should start filling all this out if we want to continue. They said that we would have to four courses we would have to attend as well, but prior to that my husband and I would have to also go through a psychological review.

I was nervous, what if they said we can’t adopt until I stop going to the psychiatrist? I had to keep calm.

The packet included so many overwhelming forms. From an adoption/foster parent application for each one of us, to physical paper work that we needed to do at our doctor’s office, to a bunch of contracts and forms that needed to be read and agreed to with signatures.

After the orientation I started on filling out the forms right away. This packet needed to be done by the time our last course took place. They told us that once our last day of course came, we needed to get the house ready with all requirements before the inspection to approve us for a Child in January 2014. The first course was going to start on Saturday, November 16th from 8:30-4:30pm; the following three would take place on November 23rd, December 7th, and December 14th. Also, sometime around there we would have to squeeze in a first aide class and a CPR class. October came and went, still working on the packet as well as getting stuff for the house. We needed to do a big project on the house before anything, which was to do a Pool Fence around the pool... and it couldn’t just be any pool fence, it had specifications… VERY SPECIFIC. It had to be rod iron, with spacing no more than 4 inches apart, and no more than 2 inches above the ground, as well as it being 5 feet high. Yup! Very specific… and to tell you the truth, I don’t think I’m going to go into so much detail in regards to ALL that we had to do, it was just pages and pages and pages of it, and I would be here for days typing it out and you having to read all of it. Lol!

We started our first day of class. 830-430pm OH MY GOD! So SO LONG! But we got through it. The next one was just the same. We were able to get our CPR and FIRST AIDE class done the day before Thanksgiving as well. Yay! We were getting everything done. We had a break in between for the holiday and then the 3rd class came. We already had all our packets ready, the nursery (one of the requirements to have a crib and adequate stuff for the baby) was almost ready and lastly our physicals were scheduled.

My husband had his physical first. I had it the following day. Yup! Everything Good! He was set to go. I get a call from the doctor’s office and wanted to tell me that the doctor was ready to go over my results and that he wanted to make the appointment.

Why? My husband got all his results over the phone, why did I have to go in? I made the appointment for the following day.

I get to the appointment, nervous as hell. Why is it always me? I had to take some Lorazapam, since my anxiety was fairly high. The doctor comes in and tells me that he got my results, all of which were great. Really? All he wanted to tell me they were great? Well, I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m excited they are all great, but why didn’t he just tell me over the phone like he did my husband…

“But, we did see something that I am concerned about.”

What?????? He just said everything was fine!

“You have what seems to be Stage 1 Kidney Disease, and I would like to run more tests to confirm.”

I couldn’t help but cry. I didn’t care if the doctor was right there in front of me. He knew all the struggles I had gone through all these years. So I doubt it surprised him.

This wasn’t a regular doctor’s appointment, yet, it became so hard to understand how a normal effin checkup for our ADOPTION could become so effin hard!

I leave the office with some exam forms to do some more tests. I call my husband, he could barely understand me, he couldn’t believe it. Ugh! Now I had to tell my family. WTF?!?!?!

My parents had invited us over for dinner, so we let them know that night. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. It had been a long day, thankfully the Lorazapam was working and I was able to control myself a little longer.

As we went to bed, I started thinking… this isn’t the end… I just have to take care of myself. If I was able to deal with Cancer and so much worse things, I can deal with this.  My husband was so proud of me. I was going to take this as a blessing… it’s stage one. I can get through this. Plus the doctor had still Ok’d me to adopt AS LONG AS I promised him I would take care of this situation and followed directions.

The last course came in December. All our packets were done. The first one we got and then the second one we got during our second course. That’s it. All we had to do now is wait for January for the inspection of the house and get everything ready! That in itself was stressful. There was SO much more to do, but I knew we would get it done.

January 2nd came, and we receive a call from the inspector. January 14th would be the day that we would be inspected. And if that inspection passed, any minute after that we would get a call from our Social Worker saying that she had Baby Tristan ready for us. Oh my god! Those 12 days went by so quick yet so slow. It felt like we didn’t have any time to finish up the house, yet, if felt like it was taking forever for the inspection to arrive. Makes sense? Ha-ha! We had SOOOOOOOOOO much help from my amazing in-laws and parents that we really could have never finished in time without them. They not only helped us in labor, but also helped us financially. Prepping the house and all the expenses for the adoption had cost us a pretty penny. About $6000 to be exact. Also, back on November 10th (on our 6th anniversary), my best friend had thrown me an adoption shower as well. My entire family and friends had been such an amazing support. We are so blessed to have such support and love.

Finally, it arrived! January 14, 2014 was here! My husband and I worked until 12pm that day (half a day) and then came home to do last minute things. My mom helped us that day. My mother in law prayed for us and wished us luck; my phone and his phone were going crazy with texts wishing us so much luck. We had this! We so had this!! I knew we did! We both did!

4pm. Appointment time. He (the inspector) arrives at 4:03pm (yup! I remember because I was standing by the window looking at the clock). He comes in and does a very very thorough check on everything! The inspection took 1.5 hours! He sits down and starts writing his report. My husband and I are giddy, he puts pass on everything. We had done it!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything cleared!!!!

“I am passing you, everything went great, but I won’t be giving you your license. Without this license you can’t get a call just yet. You just have to do one minor thing and you need to put KEY locks on the three windows facing the pool. I won’t be in the office tomorrow, so I won’t be able to send out your license until Thursday. You need to have the license on hand before we can do any call to you saying there’s a child available. Just email me the picture that you added those locks and you are good to go!”

Are you joking??????????? All this work and we don’t even get the pleasure of getting our license that day????????? I wanted to cry, but didn’t. I was so upset, and my husband for once showed how upset he was as well. It was somewhat of a stab against us. The windows he was referring to already had THREE LOCKS on them! None with key but there were 3 locks preventing them to open. For crying out loud, I couldn’t open those damn windows!!! Those locks were so hard! Yet, it still needed another lock? This was bulls$%#! This was complete bulls#$#!

As soon as the inspector left, we run into the car and head over to Home Depot. My in-laws met us there. They are the sweetest. They gave us some nice words to think about, but we were still upset. It just wasn’t fair. God knows how much work and time we had put in to getting all this ready, and it just wasn’t fair.

We get home and my husband has a hell of a time adding these three locks to the windows. He had to saw them, Dremel them, and bend them but finally was able to put them on. Literally, an hour had passed by since the inspector had left, and they were already done. Why couldn’t we just get our license today?

He called the following morning, to our surprise, and let us know that although he wasn’t in the office, he approved the pictures we sent him and he would be sending out our license on Thursday. He had also let our social worker know that we could receive a phone call from her with a child any time after Saturday, since that would be enough time to receive the license in the mail!

Oh the joy!! We could be parents any minute! January 18th was Saturday. We would probably get called by the end of the month!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The wait was killing me.

-To Be Continued-

First gift we ever received for Baby Tristan

Baby Shower Cake :)
All of our amazing gifts from our family and friends.

Car Seat that my Cousin bought us :-)

We bought the Crib and a piece of artwork for the nursery!


Goodies I got in the mail for Baby Tristan

Trying to survive the stress, and on our way to the last course.

We finally set up the High Chair!

My amazing mother-in-law installed all these and so many more!
They were a pain!

The crib is up!!!!!

Took a break this weekend and went to our friends 30th birthday party in San Francisco.

On our way to San Francisco!

Our Adoption Photo Shoot! And announcments!

Getting the room ready
The pool fence is done!!

The new growth chart I ordered from Etsy for baby Tristan's nursery.

The nursery progress

Changed it up.. almost there.

Almost there. :)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Lorazapam: My New Friend

There is no easy way to explain the feeling of depression. You might think you are depressed, but you will KNOW when you are in such a depressed state of mind that can go for days, weeks, and months without ever seeing a bright day. My smile hid so much from people. My smile would hide years of sadness, years of struggles, and overall pain. What you have read so far in this blog, is still only a bit of what truly went on. It’s a day to day struggle, when one minute is bad, yet the next minute can be worse.

It was bad. It was so bad. Not even the joy that another cruise was coming up would provide me any happiness and joy. On the contrary, it provided me so much sadness, my parents had cancelled out of the trip, and it was affecting me so much. It was going to be such an amazing trip yet nothing brought me joy. Was I suicidal? At times. Did I ever attempt it? No. I was lucky enough to understand I needed help. I wasn’t in denial about it. March 2013 came around and I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. I let her know all my struggles, our journey, the fact that I couldn’t even go visit a cousin that had been battling Cancer since August of 2011 because I would become a zombie after leaving her house. I would have the most horrible anxiety attacks were I would throw up and say insane things. Things that I wouldn’t remember the following day, yet my husband had heard and he couldn’t forget.

I would stress out like there was no tomorrow every time I would see “HOME” on my cell phone screen, thinking that my mom or dad were calling with any type of bad news. Anything was going to happen. All bad was going to happen to me, my mind knew it. I felt I was going to receive a call that my dad had died, or my mom, or brothers, or anyone really! Yet, all this insanity was hidden throughout the workday and throughout the weekend when around family. Hidden behind a smile. Nobody really knew how crazy I was becoming. Yes, crazy. That was the word. My thoughts were of an insane woman, they weren’t logical, yet my mind believed every single one of them. Everything would trigger tears, anything would trigger thoughts of suicide. I just wanted to die. Truth was, the only thing stopping me was God. God told me to not do it, he knew how much I wanted to be able to go to Heaven when I died, and if I did anything to myself, my spot in heaven would disappear.

So I just would smile. Put up a front. Put up a personality that hid everything, yet no one could know what I was going through. It’s funny how a person told me, “well, what about your husband, your family, your friends? Don’t you love them enough to get better? Didn’t you love your husband enough to not put him through your death?”

The thing was, I loved them so much that I wanted to let them go. Be free of me and my problems. It’s hard to understand, but to a person that was in such a horrible depression as I was , it made perfect sense. I had mentioned to my husband one day that I knew how people could commit suicide. That sometimes, it just felt so easy, and perfect for everyone.

My cousin, whom was slowly losing her battle with Cancer, had never given up. Why was it that I couldn’t be nearly half as strong as her. I couldn’t go visit her, I was weak. But why was I weak??????

The fact that I couldn’t be strong would depress me even more. I didn’t have joy in my life. Hadn’t felt joy in a while. The day of our trip came, Miami and then a cruise to the Carribbean Islands. Perfect paradise, yet, I cried the entire first day in Miami, and over half the days of the cruise. My inlaws, friends, and of course my husband were so amazing. They really made it so much better and towards the end of the trip, I felt “ok”.

May 2013-July 2013 comes around. I continued to see the psychiatrist as well as a psychologist, although still struggling a lot, the suicidal thoughts were not as frequent, and the anxiety attacks (although still daily) were not as strong. I would still struggle though. A lot. And it was still hard to live day to day.  I would go on lots of walks with my doggies, and just trying to live, get better. I was able to even visit my cousin twice during this time. Although not enough, it was DEFINITELY an accomplishment. Although I would have to prep myself a couple of days before with increasing my medication, and then having to take Lorazapam at a higher dosage as well, I was ok. I will tell you this though, taking that much Lorazapam would definitely drain me.

It was a struggle that I was dealing with. And truthfully, I still deal with today. Anxiety is now a part of my life. Dealing with it and knowing how to control it a little more is getting easier.

August 2013, my husband and I decided to start the adoption process again. We knew that it would be a long one so it would be good to concentrate on that and hope that that would help me get better. I was so excited. Baby Tristan would be with us. One way or another.

-To Be Continued-
Here are some pictures during this time-frame and our cruise.
Coral Castle in Miami
Elegant Night on the Cruise Ship.

Semi-Casual Night


San Juan, Puerto Rico

Grand Turk

Last day on the cruise... another fellow ship by us.

Our new car we got in June
Walks I would take with my Doggies

Trying to always smile, even at my lowest.