I was able to come up with the courage to listen to this
song to share with you. On those days I was waiting for doctor phone calls and
those sleepless nights when I didn’t know if I was going to live or not... When
the horrible thoughts infested my mind, I would scrap with music lightly being
played in the background. One night… one horrible night that I was at my worst,
this song came on the radio. It made me cry so much. It made me realize that
the one good thing if I passed away was the fact that I would leave behind all
these scrapbooks with pictures of my life, my beautiful moments with my husband
and my family, but most importantly, I would be able to meet our creator, my
God, and my grandparents whom were already in Heaven waiting for us. This song
is so hard to listen to (although a beautiful song) because it takes me back to
that night I had. Where I felt so little, so defeated. (Please Listen, even if
you have heard it before.)
So, finally some great, amazing, extraordinary, out of this
world, and outstanding news. My life couldn’t be so much better. So I had to
wait a year.
Disclaimer: Something I forgot to mention was that although
we were on fertility drugs in January 2011, we had decided to start the
adoption process as well. We were going through Sierra Vista at the time, but were
all put on hold when I was diagnosed with the Cancer.
My husband and I were in a small dilemma. We had just gone
through hell and back and truthfully, we weren’t sure if we wanted to deal with
the adoption process and the stressful time that it would be. (I don’t know if
you know, but the adoption process is one hella of process). We decided to take
the year off. Plus I had to do 3 month checkups for the next 2 years with my
Oncologist and that alone was a hassle. I would have to go to San Francisco and
do a blood sample and then go back 2 weeks later for the results every 3
months. It was a lot.
June 2011 came around (a month after the great news) and I
headed back to work. Two weeks into my return, the big boss calls me in and
tells me that he’s letting me go. I had been a temp for 5 years at this
company, and although they used a lame excuse as to why I was being let go, I
knew it was because of the time I had taken for the Cancer situation among
other small things. He told me my last day was August 12, 2 days after my 5
year anniversary. Although hard to say goodbye, I was kind of ready for a
change. My life had a new meaning at the moment and maybe this was something
that was good for me.
Thankfully, I landed a job, which is my current work. I
started October 4th, 2011, and I’ve enjoyed my job very much. Full
of wonderful people and such a different atmosphere, it’s great.
Although I was so happy with surviving such a horrible
disease, once in a while I would have some horrible nights thinking about it,
or thinking of the fact that now I have to be checked for the rest of my life,
and the thought that it can come back. It’s not a guarantee that it won’t come
back. The risk would significantly decrease if I get a hysterectomy. That
wasn’t an option just yet. I wasn’t ready to give up on the dream of being a
mother.
About a month in my new job, I started getting a horrible
pain on my right pelvic side. Truthfully, it felt, OH TOO SIMILAR, to what I
had felt back in February. I freaked out. Oh God! Please, please don’t tell me
that my right ovary is in danger. Please! This is all I have, God Please! I
made a Doctor appointment the following day, my OBGYN sent me for a pelvic
ultrasound that same day. He called me and said, “I got your results. There’s a
cyst, NOT A MASS that is causing you the pain. The PCOS is very active, Nati.
We need to do surgery to remove that cyst, now.”
F$^#!! F$^#!! F$^#! F$^#!! This can’t be happening. I don’t
care if he says it’s not a mass! I don’t care what he says! They are going to
take my ovary! I’m not going to be able to ever have a child! I’m never going
to be able to become a parent next to my amazing husband! I know he’s going to
take it away! I just know it!
November 16th came around. It was the day of the
surgery once again. Once again, I was in a room waiting to be wheeled in to
surgery, with my husband by my side. God. Oh, God. Why me? I had been crying
all day the night before. I had cried so much, which truthfully, I didn’t have
the energy or tears to cry anymore. My husband and I were silent. This was it,
our last chance of conceiving our child, might be removed today. Our lives will
change forever. Yet, there was nothing we could do. God. Why?
I’m wheeled away from my husband after he kisses me and
tells me he loves me. I thought I didn’t have any more tears to spare, but
apparently I did. A few silent ones. I’m taken into the surgery room. Once
again, I’m in this stupid room. This is it. All I prayed was for God to give me
the strength to deal with any change that might happen while I’m asleep.
I woke up in recovery and my husband was there. I was
extremely groggy, but I could make out his smile. He said his tradition “good
morning” (although it was afternoon) which he says every time I wake up from
sleeping the night or from taking a nap. I’m terrified to ask. I close my eyes
because I got really nauseous. Oh god, I think I’m going to throw up. Yup! I
threw up. The nurse cleans me up and says it’s because of the anaesthesia. I open
my eyes again and look at my husband, he smiles at me. I finally ask. What happened?
He looks at me and says, “Your ovary is fine. The cyst popped and all they
found was residue of it. It was successful; you still have all your parts!”
OH MY GOD! Thank you, Lord! Thank you for this opportunity!!
Thank you for providing me with such joy! I couldn’t believe it! Everything was
fine. I was so happy. I get discharged that same day and my parents and husband
are at the house caring for me. My smile continued to show. Although we were
already in November, I just couldn’t wait for this year to end. 2011 was
DEFINITELY not our year. It was a year from Hell, but somehow we got through it
and all thanks to our faith and our love and support.
December came and the holidays were around the corner. God I
couldn’t wait for May to get here so we can try to conceive again. The thoughts of having Baby Tristan had never really left my
mind. How could they leave my mind? If it weren’t for us trying to conceive I
wouldn’t have been going to the doctor so frequently, and my story could have
been so much different. I believe baby Tristan (although not with us just yet)
sent us this blessing from above. The blessing to find this horrible disease in
time.
New Year’s came around once again. I couldn’t believe
everything we had gone through this year. Last year, on this exact date, I was
on fertility medication, waiting to see if I could get pregnant, and exactly a
year later I had gone through a lifetime’s worth of suffrage in my opinion. Oh
what a year could bring. What a life.
We brought in the New Year with joy in leaving the 2011 year
behind us. Never to wanting to remember it again. 2012 would bring other
obstacles, we knew that. But we hoped and prayed to God that 2012 would leave
the word Cancer behind us.
-To be continued-
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