I was able to come up with the courage to listen to this song to share with you. On those days I was waiting for doctor phone calls and those sleepless nights when I didn’t know if I was going to live or not... When the horrible thoughts infested my mind, I would scrap with music lightly being played in the background. One night… one horrible night that I was at my worst, this song came on the radio. It made me cry so much. It made me realize that the one good thing if I passed away was the fact that I would leave behind all these scrapbooks with pictures of my life, my beautiful moments with my husband and my family, but most importantly, I would be able to meet our creator, my God, and my grandparents whom were already in Heaven waiting for us. This song is so hard to listen to (although a beautiful song) because it takes me back to that night I had. Where I felt so little, so defeated. (Please Listen, even if you have heard it before.)
So, finally some great, amazing, extraordinary, out of this world, and outstanding news. My life couldn’t be so much better. So I had to wait a year.
Disclaimer: Something I forgot to mention was that although we were on fertility drugs in January 2011, we had decided to start the adoption process as well. We were going through Sierra Vista at the time, but were all put on hold when I was diagnosed with the Cancer.
My husband and I were in a small dilemma. We had just gone through hell and back and truthfully, we weren’t sure if we wanted to deal with the adoption process and the stressful time that it would be. (I don’t know if you know, but the adoption process is one hella of process). We decided to take the year off. Plus I had to do 3 month checkups for the next 2 years with my Oncologist and that alone was a hassle. I would have to go to San Francisco and do a blood sample and then go back 2 weeks later for the results every 3 months. It was a lot.
June 2011 came around (a month after the great news) and I headed back to work. Two weeks into my return, the big boss calls me in and tells me that he’s letting me go. I had been a temp for 5 years at this company, and although they used a lame excuse as to why I was being let go, I knew it was because of the time I had taken for the Cancer situation among other small things. He told me my last day was August 12, 2 days after my 5 year anniversary. Although hard to say goodbye, I was kind of ready for a change. My life had a new meaning at the moment and maybe this was something that was good for me.
Thankfully, I landed a job, which is my current work. I started October 4th, 2011, and I’ve enjoyed my job very much. Full of wonderful people and such a different atmosphere, it’s great.
Although I was so happy with surviving such a horrible disease, once in a while I would have some horrible nights thinking about it, or thinking of the fact that now I have to be checked for the rest of my life, and the thought that it can come back. It’s not a guarantee that it won’t come back. The risk would significantly decrease if I get a hysterectomy. That wasn’t an option just yet. I wasn’t ready to give up on the dream of being a mother.
About a month in my new job, I started getting a horrible pain on my right pelvic side. Truthfully, it felt, OH TOO SIMILAR, to what I had felt back in February. I freaked out. Oh God! Please, please don’t tell me that my right ovary is in danger. Please! This is all I have, God Please! I made a Doctor appointment the following day, my OBGYN sent me for a pelvic ultrasound that same day. He called me and said, “I got your results. There’s a cyst, NOT A MASS that is causing you the pain. The PCOS is very active, Nati. We need to do surgery to remove that cyst, now.”
F$^#!! F$^#!! F$^#! F$^#!! This can’t be happening. I don’t care if he says it’s not a mass! I don’t care what he says! They are going to take my ovary! I’m not going to be able to ever have a child! I’m never going to be able to become a parent next to my amazing husband! I know he’s going to take it away! I just know it!
November 16th came around. It was the day of the surgery once again. Once again, I was in a room waiting to be wheeled in to surgery, with my husband by my side. God. Oh, God. Why me? I had been crying all day the night before. I had cried so much, which truthfully, I didn’t have the energy or tears to cry anymore. My husband and I were silent. This was it, our last chance of conceiving our child, might be removed today. Our lives will change forever. Yet, there was nothing we could do. God. Why?
I’m wheeled away from my husband after he kisses me and tells me he loves me. I thought I didn’t have any more tears to spare, but apparently I did. A few silent ones. I’m taken into the surgery room. Once again, I’m in this stupid room. This is it. All I prayed was for God to give me the strength to deal with any change that might happen while I’m asleep.
I woke up in recovery and my husband was there. I was extremely groggy, but I could make out his smile. He said his tradition “good morning” (although it was afternoon) which he says every time I wake up from sleeping the night or from taking a nap. I’m terrified to ask. I close my eyes because I got really nauseous. Oh god, I think I’m going to throw up. Yup! I threw up. The nurse cleans me up and says it’s because of the anaesthesia. I open my eyes again and look at my husband, he smiles at me. I finally ask. What happened? He looks at me and says, “Your ovary is fine. The cyst popped and all they found was residue of it. It was successful; you still have all your parts!”
OH MY GOD! Thank you, Lord! Thank you for this opportunity!! Thank you for providing me with such joy! I couldn’t believe it! Everything was fine. I was so happy. I get discharged that same day and my parents and husband are at the house caring for me. My smile continued to show. Although we were already in November, I just couldn’t wait for this year to end. 2011 was DEFINITELY not our year. It was a year from Hell, but somehow we got through it and all thanks to our faith and our love and support.
December came and the holidays were around the corner. God I couldn’t wait for May to get here so we can try to conceive again. The thoughts of having Baby Tristan had never really left my mind. How could they leave my mind? If it weren’t for us trying to conceive I wouldn’t have been going to the doctor so frequently, and my story could have been so much different. I believe baby Tristan (although not with us just yet) sent us this blessing from above. The blessing to find this horrible disease in time.
New Year’s came around once again. I couldn’t believe everything we had gone through this year. Last year, on this exact date, I was on fertility medication, waiting to see if I could get pregnant, and exactly a year later I had gone through a lifetime’s worth of suffrage in my opinion. Oh what a year could bring. What a life.
We brought in the New Year with joy in leaving the 2011 year behind us. Never to wanting to remember it again. 2012 would bring other obstacles, we knew that. But we hoped and prayed to God that 2012 would leave the word Cancer behind us.
-To be continued-