Now, before I continue my story, let me just say my emotions were up and down like a horrible rollercoaster ride during this time, there would be multiple nights that I would cry myself to sleep. Especially on those nights that I had found out that either the medication didn’t work, I got a BFN, or in reality, even the fact that someone in my “circle” was pregnant.
Yup! (I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but if you have gone or are going through what I’m going through you will understand) Every-time a friend or a wife of a friend or a family member announced their pregnancy; I was… what’s the word…. Ah yes! DYING OF JEALOUSY! I know it sounds really bad and trust me, I struggled so much with that emotion. It made me so sad that I couldn’t feel the joy that I know I was capable of feeling for my loved ones during this amazing moment of their lives. But the sadness always overcame all emotions. When would it be my turn? When would all these hormones that I’ve been putting in my body be worth it all… the mood swings, the crying, the sadness, the hate of being me at moments (especially the first day of my period knowing that that first drop of blood is another reminder that I’m not fertile that month once again) all these emotions… that pain during these times would be at times unbearable. My husband had seen me at my lowest, yet he continued to be the strong one, the supporting one, the one that NEVER EVER lost faith (or at least didn’t show it) when I was starting to doubt. In addition, the cost was getting a little overbearing. Those pills (especially the Clomid) were not cheap and a month we were spending an additional $200-$400 bucks!
But I had to continue on with my small journey. We were in 2011 now. I was on all the right meds. 2011 would be our year (I kept repeating it to myself). I had such a bright future in my mind for 2011. I could feel it in my gut…. I could feel it so badly that I started noticing that I was getting very nauseated and… wait… was I causing myself to feel sick over this excitement? Was it the meds?
We were in the end of January and we were heading to dinner with some friends. Our favorite wing place a couple of towns away. The car ride was making me nauseated and I was starting to cramp a lot. Since it had been a little over 25 days since my last period, I thought it was maybe PMS starting and once again another period and another opportunity to have Baby Tristan would be down the drain. So I ignored it… for a while at least. Friday, February 4th came around (Yes, just a little over 3 years ago), no period, but still nauseated and with a stronger cramp that was more targeted to my right lower abdomen area. Hmmm. It was early in the morning, right before work, so I decided to take a pee test. For some reason, I decided to do it the “optional way” and pee in a cup first and then dip the stick instead of peeing on it directly. I had only done that one other time, but something told me to do this today. I put in the pee stick, wait once again the LONGEST few minutes of my life… preparing myself for that BFN. F*%$! It’s only been a minute…. HURRY UP! Yes! It’s time…
I pick up the pee stick… ERROR! HUH???????? WTF?!? Ugh! Fine, let me grab another pee stick from my PALLET of them! (This was an ongoing joke, I had to test almost every month therefore I would seriously have a ton of pee sticks at a time lol) Second pee stick was ready…. BFN! Of course! Why would it be any different right? After bursting into tears and crying my eyes out once again (this was starting to be a weekly thing for some reason), I got ready for work and headed out there with the gloomiest of moods. What was that pain and nausea about? No period, but not pregnant. Great! Just great! I didn’t even have an OBGYN just yet because we hadn’t received our new insurance cards. I guess I would just have to wait it out. The only problem was, my OBGYN that prescribed me the Clomid and all the other junk, had mentioned that if I were to get absolute extreme pain I needed to head over to the ER since the possibility of Ovarian Torsion and/or rupture is possible.
Around 10am, as I’m sitting at my computer at work, I got this absolutely excruciating pain out of NO WHERE! Oh God it was horrid, I ran into the bathroom and threw up because of how strong the pain was. That helped me a little. I was able to wash up and call my husband at work. I told him I needed to be seen right away, but I had no OBGYN to go to. He suggested for me to go to the ER as directed by my pervious doctor and that he would meet me there. We get to the ER, they asked me if there would be a possibility that I could be pregnant, I said, “Well, we are on fertility drugs, so I guess so!” (Ok, let’s just say, when people asked me that, I would get butterflies in my stomach, why? I don’t know!) So they had me pee in a cup and put me in a room to wait. As my husband and I waited in the room, the pain was getting a lot better. Thank God! Soon after, the ER doctor came in… (One of the biggest jerks I’ve ever met and to this day think that he truly would have been the death of me if I had listened to him!) He said, “You have a UTI and I’m discharging you.” Really? But my previous doctor told you to do a pelvic ultrasound because I was on this medication that can damage my ovaries!
Well, after discussing with him and my husband telling him as well, he still discharged us. On my way home, I got to thinking, hmm.. maybe he was right. I mean obviously I’m not a doctor, and he’s gone to medical school and got a great job at this wonderful hospital, he’s probably right.
The weekend was here, and although the pain wasn’t extreme anymore it was still there. Now on antibiotics and off the Clomid, Provera, and Clomid until further notice once again. Sunday evening came around and the pain hadn’t decreased. It was still there, the nausea was gone since I was also on nausea pills. My husband told me to call the family doctor (a doctor my parents go to) and ask him if he accept our new insurance (my husband’s new insurance card had come in the mail on Saturday), and to make an appointment with him. So Monday comes around. Still in pain, no nausea, no period, no nothing. I call the doctor’s office and get the insurance thing settle and thankfully they take it. I told them why I wanted to see the doctor and what medications I was on as well as how I ended up in the ER on Friday. The nurse gave me an appointment for Wednesday and then we hung up. Within 30-45 mins, the doctor’s office called and said that the doctor wanted to see me right away and I could come in within the next couple of hours. I talked to my manager, told him the situation and I left work. I was a nervous wreck! What did they need me for? OH MY GOD! Did they get the paperwork from the ER and realized they read the test wrong and I AM PREGNANT!? Is that what it is? Is that what my new doctor going to tell me? That I’m pregnant?
Now, before I continue, let me just say that a woman that is desperately trying to get pregnant (as I was) their mind always goes to pregnancy and babies. Ha! Just a little disclaimer so you understand the mess of a mind that infertility women have to deal with.
So I arrive to my doctor’s appointment very EAGER to hear those words come out of his mouth, “Nati, the ER is stupid, you are pregnant, let’s find you an OBGYN!” Ha!Ha! If only right? Anyways, they call me into the consultation room and another “LIFETIME” passes, ok, not a lifetime, probably 10 minutes, but still. Whatever! Haha! The doctor comes in and examines me. Asking me how long I’ve been on the Clomid and the other medications, pressing on my abdomen, and just listening to what the story was with the ER Doctor.
He asked me if I had mentioned to the ER Doctor that I needed a pelvic ultrasound due to the Clomid and I said, Yeah! I told him that both my husband and I told him multiple times and that the ER Doctor said (In a very rude way) that he was the doctor and that it was a UTI. My doctor was LIVID! He said “What a stupid idiot! I need you to go do a pelvic ultrasound as well as CT scan with dye. I’m going to order it “STAT” and I will be getting the results today. We need to make sure your ovaries are ok.”
I left the office in a little bit of a shock. What’s the big deal? I mean the pain was there, it was very uncomfortable, but I don’t think it needed to be “STAT”. I didn’t even think doctors’ used that word, I thought it was only a “Movies” word. Plus, it was February 2011, I’m already a month and a half into 2011. If I wanted 2011 to be my year, I needed to be pregnant by March in order to have the baby in December! Ugh! What the hell? Ugh! The building to both exams that the doctor had ordered was right across the street, but even then it gave me enough time to start a river of tears. This wasn’t going my way. 2011 is not starting well anymore. I’m off my meds, I’m in pain, ER visit, and now this? Ugh!
I arrive to the exams, get them all done, and head home. We were supposed to meet my parents for dinner at their house, which kind of worked out. It worked out because of a call that I received during dinner. Little did I know how much my world would change.
My doctor’s number showed up on my cell phone and I ran from the kitchen to the living room in my parents’ house, screaming “It’s the doctor, shhhhh shhh shhhh, it’s the doctor!” As I answered the phone, I expected to hear my doctor’s nurse on the other end, but to my surprise it was him. The actual doctor was on the line to talk to me about my result? My heart sank. I mean I just had this bad feeling right away. He tells me that he had received the results back, and that he knew I had been struggling with my PCOS and cysts growing periodically. He also verified that I was off the fertility medications and I confirmed. He then said, “We see you have a mass on your right ovary and although it’s not my expertise, I believe you need to have surgery as soon as possible before any damage is done on the ovary. It’s not a cyst anymore. It’s definitely a mass. I will be referring you to your new OBGYN who is right next door to me and whom I believe is best suited for such surgery as well. I’ve taken the liberty to have one of the nurses already set you up with an appointment with him. You will be meeting with him on Wednesday (remember we are still in Monday).” I said ok, and asked if I was going to have my ovary removed. He said he didn’t think so but that these exams can only tell so much of the story, so that decision will be made by my new OBGYN during the surgery.
As I hung up the phone, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I didn’t care that my brothers and parents were there. My husband was used to the crying so I know he wouldn’t care either. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I felt like my world was ending, because inside of me, I felt that I was going to lose my ovary and I was SURE of that. The next couple of days until the appointment were hell. Randomly crying here and there. Depressed, sad, worried, everything was just horrible.
Finally my appointment came. I saw the new OBGYN and he mentioned that he wanted to do one more pelvic ultrasound in the consultation room. I said sure and he walked me through what he saw. On the screen there was my ovary… the right one to be more specific. As he talked… I couldn’t help but think that there were eggs in there… and that potentially one of those eggs was baby Tristan just waiting for his daddy’s genes. Yup! There it went again, my mind just going at it and getting crazy.
The OBGYN said I did have to have surgery and that there was a chance I could lose my ovary, but it was a small chance from what he saw but couldn’t guarantee it. He had me do a pre-surgical appointment and set up my surgery for Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011. The day after the 3-day weekend. Awesome.
During this waiting period of a couple of weeks, I was a mess here and there. I would have bad days, good days, but overall I was hopefully. My husband had pointed out to me that maybe that mass was what was preventing me from getting pregnant and that this was something God wanted me to have done in order to have a healthy pregnancy. True. My love always being so positive and helping me get through these hard times.
I specifically remember Monday the 21st. We went to the mall, had a good lunch, and then went to the casino with my parents. I remember getting a phone call on our way home from my uncle in Mexico to wish me luck tomorrow and to tell me that everyone was praying for me. I felt good. I was ready to conquer this stupid mass.
The following morning we woke up at 4am got ready. Got my hospital bag ready (since the doctor said I might have to stay a night there) and off we went. I had to be checked in at 5am. My parents met us there and we were all ready to conquer the world with our faith. They called me in to the back, my parents stayed in the waiting room and my husband followed me and the nurse to the back. They got me changed into a gown, put a hairnet on, some warm socks, got my IV inserted, and I was ready for surgery. We watched TV for about an hour. Infomercials and then 1 and a half episodes of Full House reruns… I know neither one of us could pay attention. We were so nervous. There was a lot at stake here. It was hard.
The nurse came in, and said, “Ready?” I looked at my husband, and stared at his worried face and a few tears came out from my eyes. “Yes, we’re ready.” He kisses my forehead and then my lips and they hauled me away in the bed. A huge knot in my throat as I’m separated from the love of my life. Crying in silence I’m taken into the operation room. The nurse leaves me there, and another person (the anesthesiologist) approaches me. She says, “I’m going to put you in a deep sleep now. When you wake up everything will be fine. Sweet dreams and good luck.”
“Thank……,” and I was asleep.
-to be continued-