February 2012. We were so glad we were healthy and just set.
We decided to look into freezing our eggs (as a recommendation that came from
my Oncologist at UCSF). After a couple of tests and exams, the “Fertility
Oncologist Gynecology Specialist” (yeah, that title also came with a hefty
price just for consultations) gave us the wonderful news that my ovary was in
great shape to put it through some treatment to release some eggs and freeze
them as embryos. (Pretty much doing IVF (InVitro Fertilization) without doing
IVF) That was great news! The doctor had mentioned that once we freeze, losing
the ovary wouldn’t be an issue anymore; we would still be able to conceive
through IVF with just the Uterus being intact. None of my follicles in the
ovary had been damaged, I had a good amount of eggs that we could mature and
release in order to freeze them. My husband had been tested as well and his “soldiers”
were at a very impressive count (yeah, he’s one proud guy ever since that test,
lol). The only problem was… cost. $12,000 to be exact. That unfortunately
became a dream. We just had to continue on and just make sure to try to keep my
ovary from getting hurt. I was ok with that decision.
April came around, a month earlier from my 1 year
survivorship. I had my appointment with my oncologist at UCSF. As I sat there
for the 4th time, I couldn’t help but glow on how great it felt when
she said I was Cancer-Free that time. Although, it would make me very nervous
each and every time a check-up came up. She came into the consultation room,
and once again let me know I was doing great and she gave me the clear, not
before saying, “I know you have been patiently waiting, although I believe it’s
a little risky to continue fertility treatments with just one ovary, I don’t
see why you can’t restart your treatments as of now.”
Oh my God!!! Once again! I can try once more to have our
little baby Tristan!!!!!! Yay! We start driving back home after lunch. I was so
excited that I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I called my OBGYN and made the
appointment right away! I had waited a whole year, PLUS gone through Cancer, I
think I deserved this little victory!
The following afternoon (yes, the very next day) I was
sitting in the consultation room at my OBGYN’s office. He was so proud of me.
We decided to put me on Clomid and Metformin for the first month. Starting me
at 2000mg of Metformin (which was the max) and 50 mg of Clomid which was the
minimum. The first month I was able to get a period, but obviously no
pregnancy. The second month (May going into June) I had to take a pregnancy
test because I didn’t get a period. BFN! Of course… another session of crying
and asking “why.”
In June, he moved me up to 2000mg and 100 mg of Clomid and
some Provera to medically induce a period first though. The Provera didn’t
work. It was June 7th and nothing. No period. He sent me to do a CT scan
and a Pelvic Ultrasound. Another Cyst! Small but it was there. Not only that he
ended up diagnosing me with OHSS (Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome), which meant that my ovary
was too swollen and needed to let it rest a month. This put me at risk that if
I were to have any cysts on my ovary, it can also stimulate it enough to cause
rupture, torsion, or for the cyst to increase in size.
OHSS?
Really? How many more infertility issues can I effin have? I am serious! This
is ridiculous! I wait the month and then my OBGYN puts me on Provera again
(right after he confirms I’m not pregnant, therefore another BFN) to start my
period and then increased the dosage of Clomid from 100mg to 150mg and left the
Metformin at 2000mg. July, no period. Another BFN, another pelvic ultrasound.
Nothing. Provera for the month of August. Had to stop after OHSS was active
again. The OBGYN calls me with some news.
He
lets me know that he will not be providing me with anymore fertility
treatments, and that it was time to go to a fertility specialist. He suggested
that it would be wise of me to go back to the “Fertility Oncologist Gynecology
Specialist” because he knew what type of treatments would be adequate for me as
I had gone through Cancer and since it was through UCSF, they had all medical files
shared so that he can see my medical history. F*#$! Really? That doctor cost us
an arm and a leg and that was just for consultation. But if that’s the way we
had to go to try to have our Baby Tristan in our arms, then that’s what we had to
do.
I called them the following week after my husband and I had discussed
it and to tell you the truth, it was after I got over all the crying I was
doing. I couldn’t believe that I was to this point now. So much had happened,
yet no Baby Tristan. We were now in 2012, yet nothing. It had been 5 years
already. This wasn’t supposed to take this long.
The doctor at UCSF was able to get me in September, a few
days before my birthday. At a cost of $350, plus $150 for a pelvic ultrasound
to make sure my ovary was able to take such treatments that he would suggest to
give us. $500! Wow. It wasn’t so much the fact of the cost, our baby was
priceless, we would pay whatever it took, the problem was is trying to get all
this money in large sums. They didn’t take payments. They had to receive the
payment in full before any services were given.
We go to our consultation. The doctor does the pelvic
ultrasound and once again says how great my ovary and uterus looks. He said
that he would suggest we go the IUI route first. This meant that I would inject
myself with medication during the course of 5 days, come back for an ultrasound
to see if any eggs matured, and if so, inject myself with what was called a
trigger shot, then come back 2 days later to be artificially inseminated with
my husband’s soldiers through a large needle that would go into my vagina to
have a more clear shot to getting the eggs fertilized. Yeah. Exactly my
thought. HOLY CRAP!
If that information wasn’t overwhelming, wait for this. He
said that each shot ran us about $100 a day and the trigger shot was $250. I
would have to have a period first. Once I got a period, on the second day of
full flow, I needed to go ALL THE WAY TO UCSF (reminder, 1.5 hours away from
home) and get a pelvic ultrasound to make sure all was well, which would cost
us $150. Then I would inject myself with a shot daily for 5 days. Each shot was
$100 (total of $500) then I would have to go to UCSF AGAIN (another $150) for
another ultrasound to make sure that there were eggs that had matured to at
least a 14mm size. The goal was to at least get me to mature 2 eggs, 3 was
ideal. If the ultrasound showed I was ready, I would then have to take the $250
trigger shot that will release the eggs. We would then go on the second day to
UCSF, my husband would have to provide his sperm into a specimen bottle which
would then be washed and sorted out to only leave the good sperms there. They
would then put it in the big needle and insert it in me and release the sperm.
This was the actual IUI and that portion would be $650. So, for one session (if
EVERYTHING WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN) it would cost us about $1700 NOT including
the time off and the gas and trip money to get there. That was just for one
month’s treatment. The doctor then mentioned that before all this we needed to
be tested, vaccinated and all this other stuff, including orientation. He said
that would be an additional $200. But it would be a one-time thing. He said
that by the end of October if all went well, we would be able to start.
Let me just say, I don’t know how the hell my husband did
it, but he did it. We were able to save up for the first treatment (if nothing
went wrong). About a week before we were supposed to start out treatments (end
of October 2012) UCSF Fertility lighted my phone. They said that I showed that
I hadn’t gotten a specific vaccination and that my thyroids were not at normal
levels. I had to get the vaccination as well as get the thyroids at normal
levels before proceeding with anything. This broke my heart, because they said
that I would have to be on the medication for a month and that I wouldn’t be
able to start any treatments until I was off that medication. Another set-back.
I bursted into tears once again. WTF? This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were finally
so close, yet once again so far. That month went by so slow. November came
around and Thanksgiving was around the corner. I had a lot to be thankful for,
but I was still so bummed.
Monday after thanksgiving I get a call from UCSF Fertility,
I GOT THE CLEAR!!! I can start my medication! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I called
the Pharmacy that is supposed to overnight the medication and let them know that
I will need it. They FedEx me $750 worth of injections. Gosh that hurt our bank
account. But it was all going to be worth it! I knew it. I started on a high
dosage of Provera to start me on my period. I started my period on Sunday,
December 2nd! That meant that I had to call the weekend nurses to
let them know that I had my period and that I needed to go in tomorrow for the Baseline
Ultrasound (that’s their fancy term for “you just started your period, let’s
make sure you are ok to continue with injections now). I was so excited!!! My
husband and I headed to UCSF on a cloudy day that Monday, Everything was good!
No cysts, healthy lining of the Uterus… I got the all clear! They told me to
start on the injections tonight.
9pm comes around. I’m ready to insert the first injection.
Oh God! Scary! Ha! Yet so thrilled to be getting here. I bet I won’t need more
than one round of this. I’ll get pregnant on the first try. 2nd day
came, 3rd day came, 4th day came, 5th day
came, and then Back to UCSF for another $150 ultrasound. The doctor is looking,
and he says. “Hmm... well, it looks like you need 2 more days of injections and
I want to do an estrogen level check as well so we’ll need to draw some blood.
Your follicles are not growing much. You have 1 at definitely less than 8 mm;
therefore we need to leave you on some more medications.”
That’s ok. Another $200, but I mean it’s hard to get it
right at the first try. I go to the Pharmacy (since the pharmacy that they
normally send it to me overnight wasn’t going to be able to get me meds to me
in time) and ONE INJECTION COST ME $200! It was double the price! Grr! Then if
that wasn’t enough, the doctor told me to order 4 injections instead of just 1
more from the pharmacy that sends them to me because it was probable that I
might need to have more injections done! That was an addition $600!!! He said
to schedule another ultrasound in two days. Depending on how the estrogen level
was today, I might have to reschedule that pelvic ultrasound. That means that
in the near future another $150 ultrasound and another drive up here. Oh god.
To make a long story short, I ended up doing 2 more days of
one injection, going to do my estrogen level again at UCSF without an
ultrasound I was at 30. I needed to be above 120! He put me at 2 injections a
day for the next 3 days and then another trip for estrogen check-up, levels
went to 56! Not quite there. He put me at another 3 days of 3 injections a day,
brought me back to do an estrogen check-up, went back down to 38! WTF? Are you
serious? He decided that day to bring me in again (remember every time it’s an
1.5 hours trip there and 1.5 hours trip back, plus missing work) There was 2
follicles one at 10 and one at 9mm. We were running out of time. The lab to do
the IUI never closes except for Christmas Day-Jan. 3rd. We had to
have the IUI done by Christmas Eve. He puts me at 4 injections of Menopur
(that’s the name of the injections) a day for the next four days, does an
estrogen level again and finally it goes up to 139! Thank God! December 23 is
here and he says that we need to do the trigger shot today, but that the IUI
needs to be rushed to do on the 24th since the 25th will
be closed.
Damn it! He said that it won’t be as affected but we can
only hope and that if we don’t do it, we can count this month good bye!
Goodbye? That would of meant that all the time from work, all the drives up
here for estrogen level check-ups and the $5950 that was spent on medication
(due to times I needed to get it from the San Francisco Pharmacy at $200 an
injection because of the delay of getting it from the mail-order pharmacy)
would of all gone down the drain? We cancelled Christmas with our family; we
were living in poor house and having all of our savings taken away, our
families giving us money to help pay for some of the stuff and now this!? Ugh!
Christmas Eve 2012, we were at UCSF early in the morning. We
were there to provide the sample first and then to get the IUI. If this worked,
(which I was hoping and praying and just absolutely begged to God would), we
would find out in 2 weeks, January 7th, 2013 to be exact, if I were
pregnant. Oh my god! I couldn’t help but glow that entire day.
New Year’s Eve came around and we were at the point again of
remember how the past 2 New Year’s we had been struggling. Once again we were
here another year without baby Tristan, yet so close. So so close. Would 2013
be our year? Ugh! I was terrified of even thinking that. I didn’t want to jinx
it for us!
January 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th,
came and went. Only a few more days to find out!!! OH MY GOD, the suspense was
killing me. I went to sleep on the 4th, excited that each day was
passing quickly.
“Baby, wake up. Wake up babe.” I wake up to my husband
lightly trying to wake me up. “What time is it?” He says “7am, babe, there’s
blood all over the sheets.” There was a stab in my heart. It didn’t work, I was
sure it was going to work, my dreams were coming a reality, and they were just
abruptly taken away!!!!! I bursted into tears as my husband hugged me. I got up
and saw the blood and it was as if I had failed as a woman. I told him this was
too much for me to handle, all the injections, all the “let’s see if your
follicles want to cooperate”, all the missing work and the traveling to UCSF
was taken its toll on me… all that money, all the debt, everything… so that I
could get a period? This wasn’t supposed to happen! I was supposed to get my
BFP!! I got cleaned up, and went to the computer, still crying, I told my
husband that I was willing to try one more time if and only if he thought we
could have the money for it. He said we would figure it out. Reminder, I was
supposed to go on the second day of my period for my baseline ultrasound. Therefore I called the nurse and she set me
up for the following day for another $150 ultrasound.
I go in the following day, ready to conquer once again! This
round would be my round! I do the pelvic ultrasound and the “STAND IN” doctor
says, “Nati, we need you to come back in two weeks, there’s a small cyst on
your ovary and it seems like a small activity of you OHSS, I don’t think this
is an issue, so let’s just rest for 2 weeks. I do however, feel that your
doctor needs to see the reports of this ultrasound, I noticed a small mass on
your ovary.” F%#$! No!!! Not a mass!! God please not this again!!!!!!
Why?????????? That entire drive home I was balling my eyes out!!! This couldn’t
be happening!!! This just couldn’t be happening to me again! There can’t be a
mass! There just can’t a mass this quick! Why didn’t my doctor see it during
all the other ultrasounds? This can’t be right!
2 days later my doctor calls me and he said that the “STAND
IN” doctor misread the reports and that it was just residue of another cyst
that had popped. I was angry! Relieved but ANGRY! How dare she give me such
news without KNOWING what the hell she was talking about!!! I put in a formal
complaint about that doctor. After I hung up, I couldn’t stop crying. The
relief of it was stressing me out so much. And although angry, I couldn’t help
but feel peace. The doctor had promised that from now on only he would treat
me. Deal!
The rest of the two weeks passed by, the doctor did another
$150 pelvic ultrasound and said, “You are clear and ready to start on
injections. This time please start at 4 injections a day for the next 7 days.”
Holy Smokes!!! He means BUSINESS! Heck yeah!!! Only problem,
the injections went up to $150 a piece now. Oh well, I ordered them.
$4200!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s not including the pelvic ultrasounds I had ($300)
and the trigger shot (now $270), I had already spent $4770! Oh god! Please
please work. I do the 7 days’ worth of shots and go for a pelvic ultrasound
again. 2 follicles at 10 and 14mm!!!!!!!!!! IT WORKED THIS TIME!! The doctor
said to do 2 more days of 4 injections just to see if we could get them to grow
a little more and make sure I could release both follicles, he also ordered an
estrogen check-up.
He calls me and says, “Your estrogen level is at 198! Those
addition shots will definitely help you!”
Oh my god!!! We were on schedule! (Nothing like the last
round) I did my two additional days as asked. And went back to my pelvic
ultrasound (another $150), I’m at 2 follicles! One at 16mm and another at 14mm
and then a third popped up at 10mm!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!! 3 eggs!!! 2 of which are
ready for the trigger shot and 1 which MIGHT be ready by the time I do the trigger
shot! He tells me to do the trigger shot that night and that the IUI would be in
two days. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! This is finally happening!! Know it!! It just
felt right!!!
I do the trigger shot at 1030pm as instructed. Two days
later, I head on over to the IUI with the hubs. We are glowing!! As we are
driving to UCSF, we realized that we would have to test on Valentine’s Day!!
February 14th, 2013 would be our DAY!!!!! I just know
it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!What a perfect gift for both of us!
Ugh! The excitement is killing us. February 11th, we decide
to go to celebrate Valentine’s Day (something we never do) only because we were
afraid (that tiny doubt) that the process didn’t work. We were so sure that it
did though. Why? Well my breasts felt really tender, I was nauseated, I had
thrown up once a couple of mornings ago, and my body was feeling different. We
wouldn’t help to feel so giddy.
Tuesday, February 12th, I was at work, and I
decide to go to the bathroom. As I get up to pull up my pants I turn to see the
toilet and… is that pink pee? I can’t tell… was there something in the toilet
before I peed? I mean, It can’t be my period right? Of course not, we knew it
worked this time!!! Everything was on track! This couldn’t be happening
again!!!! No, stop. Stop panicking, you just didn’t notice but there might have
been something in the toilet. Just keep calm.
About 2 pm, I need to go pee once again. I’m terrified to go
in there again. But I can’t hold it anymore. I go in, look in the toilet. Crystal
clear and clean. Alright… let’s do this. I sit on the toilet and start peeing,
but there’s not need to check anymore… there’s blood on my panties. Spots of
blood. God!
Don’t start crying! Don’t start crying! I go into my
Manager’s office and let her know I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay here. My
heart was broken, I felt like if this was the feeling of having a miscarriage.
We really thought we were pregnant. WE WERE PREGNANT, DAMN IT!!!!! WE WERE
PREGNANT!!!! And now, I wasn’t. I head home and call my husband; I can hear the
disappointment in his voice, yet always being strong for me. I can’t help but
cry my eyes out as I drive home. This couldn’t be! It just couldn’t!
I get home and cry, I cry cry cry! I felt like my baby had
been ripped from out of me. I hated myself so much!! I just wanted to die; I
couldn’t deal with this pain. This horrible pain of feeling like I had just had
lost a child. Within minutes my husband arrives home, he took the rest of the
day off to come be with me. Why, God? Why would you do this to us?
We decided due to financial and emotional reasons to not go
ahead with a 3rd around. We had just totaled up our full IUI costs
and it was more than $13,000, not including the unpaid time off we took from
work and mileage and time to go to the UCSF. We were dead broke, we were
without a successful pregnancy, and to top it all off, I was starting to get
into a horrible depression.
This wasn’t fair. $13,000… we could have just frozen our eggs
with that money… or better yet, paid for Invitro!
-To Be Continued-
 |
| 4 injections of Menopur |
 |
| The Trigger Shot |
 |
| More Menapur shots |
 |
| The morning of the 2nd IUI, already in San Francisco. |
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