Road to Baby Tristan: An Infertility Journey: Lorazapam: My New Friend

There is no easy way to explain the feeling of depression. You might think you are depressed, but you will KNOW when you are in such a depressed state of mind that can go for days, weeks, and months without ever seeing a bright day. My smile hid so much from people. My smile would hide years of sadness, years of struggles, and overall pain. What you have read so far in this blog, is still only a bit of what truly went on. It’s a day to day struggle, when one minute is bad, yet the next minute can be worse.

It was bad. It was so bad. Not even the joy that another cruise was coming up would provide me any happiness and joy. On the contrary, it provided me so much sadness, my parents had cancelled out of the trip, and it was affecting me so much. It was going to be such an amazing trip yet nothing brought me joy. Was I suicidal? At times. Did I ever attempt it? No. I was lucky enough to understand I needed help. I wasn’t in denial about it. March 2013 came around and I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. I let her know all my struggles, our journey, the fact that I couldn’t even go visit a cousin that had been battling Cancer since August of 2011 because I would become a zombie after leaving her house. I would have the most horrible anxiety attacks were I would throw up and say insane things. Things that I wouldn’t remember the following day, yet my husband had heard and he couldn’t forget.

I would stress out like there was no tomorrow every time I would see “HOME” on my cell phone screen, thinking that my mom or dad were calling with any type of bad news. Anything was going to happen. All bad was going to happen to me, my mind knew it. I felt I was going to receive a call that my dad had died, or my mom, or brothers, or anyone really! Yet, all this insanity was hidden throughout the workday and throughout the weekend when around family. Hidden behind a smile. Nobody really knew how crazy I was becoming. Yes, crazy. That was the word. My thoughts were of an insane woman, they weren’t logical, yet my mind believed every single one of them. Everything would trigger tears, anything would trigger thoughts of suicide. I just wanted to die. Truth was, the only thing stopping me was God. God told me to not do it, he knew how much I wanted to be able to go to Heaven when I died, and if I did anything to myself, my spot in heaven would disappear.

So I just would smile. Put up a front. Put up a personality that hid everything, yet no one could know what I was going through. It’s funny how a person told me, “well, what about your husband, your family, your friends? Don’t you love them enough to get better? Didn’t you love your husband enough to not put him through your death?”

The thing was, I loved them so much that I wanted to let them go. Be free of me and my problems. It’s hard to understand, but to a person that was in such a horrible depression as I was , it made perfect sense. I had mentioned to my husband one day that I knew how people could commit suicide. That sometimes, it just felt so easy, and perfect for everyone.

My cousin, whom was slowly losing her battle with Cancer, had never given up. Why was it that I couldn’t be nearly half as strong as her. I couldn’t go visit her, I was weak. But why was I weak??????

The fact that I couldn’t be strong would depress me even more. I didn’t have joy in my life. Hadn’t felt joy in a while. The day of our trip came, Miami and then a cruise to the Carribbean Islands. Perfect paradise, yet, I cried the entire first day in Miami, and over half the days of the cruise. My inlaws, friends, and of course my husband were so amazing. They really made it so much better and towards the end of the trip, I felt “ok”.

May 2013-July 2013 comes around. I continued to see the psychiatrist as well as a psychologist, although still struggling a lot, the suicidal thoughts were not as frequent, and the anxiety attacks (although still daily) were not as strong. I would still struggle though. A lot. And it was still hard to live day to day. I would go on lots of walks with my doggies, and just trying to live, get better. I was able to even visit my cousin twice during this time. Although not enough, it was DEFINITELY an accomplishment. Although I would have to prep myself a couple of days before with increasing my medication, and then having to take Lorazapam at a higher dosage as well, I was ok. I will tell you this though, taking that much Lorazapam would definitely drain me.

It was a struggle that I was dealing with. And truthfully, I still deal with today. Anxiety is now a part of my life. Dealing with it and knowing how to control it a little more is getting easier.

August 2013, my husband and I decided to start the adoption process again. We knew that it would be a long one so it would be good to concentrate on that and hope that that would help me get better. I was so excited. Baby Tristan would be with us. One way or another.

-To Be Continued-

Here are some pictures during this time-frame and our cruise.