U and I with IUI, We Might Be Getting Somewhere...

February 2012. We were so glad we were healthy and just set. We decided to look into freezing our eggs (as a recommendation that came from my Oncologist at UCSF). After a couple of tests and exams, the “Fertility Oncologist Gynecology Specialist” (yeah, that title also came with a hefty price just for consultations) gave us the wonderful news that my ovary was in great shape to put it through some treatment to release some eggs and freeze them as embryos. (Pretty much doing IVF (InVitro Fertilization) without doing IVF) That was great news! The doctor had mentioned that once we freeze, losing the ovary wouldn’t be an issue anymore; we would still be able to conceive through IVF with just the Uterus being intact. None of my follicles in the ovary had been damaged, I had a good amount of eggs that we could mature and release in order to freeze them. My husband had been tested as well and his “soldiers” were at a very impressive count (yeah, he’s one proud guy ever since that test, lol). The only problem was… cost. $12,000 to be exact. That unfortunately became a dream. We just had to continue on and just make sure to try to keep my ovary from getting hurt. I was ok with that decision.

April came around, a month earlier from my 1 year survivorship. I had my appointment with my oncologist at UCSF. As I sat there for the 4^th time, I couldn’t help but glow on how great it felt when she said I was Cancer-Free that time. Although, it would make me very nervous each and every time a check-up came up. She came into the consultation room, and once again let me know I was doing great and she gave me the clear, not before saying, “I know you have been patiently waiting, although I believe it’s a little risky to continue fertility treatments with just one ovary, I don’t see why you can’t restart your treatments as of now.”

Oh my God!!! Once again! I can try once more to have our little baby Tristan!!!!!! Yay! We start driving back home after lunch. I was so excited that I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I called my OBGYN and made the appointment right away! I had waited a whole year, PLUS gone through Cancer, I think I deserved this little victory!

The following afternoon (yes, the very next day) I was sitting in the consultation room at my OBGYN’s office. He was so proud of me. We decided to put me on Clomid and Metformin for the first month. Starting me at 2000mg of Metformin (which was the max) and 50 mg of Clomid which was the minimum. The first month I was able to get a period, but obviously no pregnancy. The second month (May going into June) I had to take a pregnancy test because I didn’t get a period. BFN! Of course… another session of crying and asking “why.”

In June, he moved me up to 2000mg and 100 mg of Clomid and some Provera to medically induce a period first though. The Provera didn’t work. It was June 7^th and nothing. No period. He sent me to do a CT scan and a Pelvic Ultrasound. Another Cyst! Small but it was there. Not only that he ended up diagnosing me with OHSS (Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome), which meant that my ovary was too swollen and needed to let it rest a month. This put me at risk that if I were to have any cysts on my ovary, it can also stimulate it enough to cause rupture, torsion, or for the cyst to increase in size.

OHSS? Really? How many more infertility issues can I effin have? I am serious! This is ridiculous! I wait the month and then my OBGYN puts me on Provera again (right after he confirms I’m not pregnant, therefore another BFN) to start my period and then increased the dosage of Clomid from 100mg to 150mg and left the Metformin at 2000mg. July, no period. Another BFN, another pelvic ultrasound. Nothing. Provera for the month of August. Had to stop after OHSS was active again. The OBGYN calls me with some news.

He lets me know that he will not be providing me with anymore fertility treatments, and that it was time to go to a fertility specialist. He suggested that it would be wise of me to go back to the “Fertility Oncologist Gynecology Specialist” because he knew what type of treatments would be adequate for me as I had gone through Cancer and since it was through UCSF, they had all medical files shared so that he can see my medical history. F*#$! Really? That doctor cost us an arm and a leg and that was just for consultation. But if that’s the way we had to go to try to have our Baby Tristan in our arms, then that’s what we had to do.

I called them the following week after my husband and I had discussed it and to tell you the truth, it was after I got over all the crying I was doing. I couldn’t believe that I was to this point now. So much had happened, yet no Baby Tristan. We were now in 2012, yet nothing. It had been 5 years already. This wasn’t supposed to take this long.

The doctor at UCSF was able to get me in September, a few days before my birthday. At a cost of $350, plus $150 for a pelvic ultrasound to make sure my ovary was able to take such treatments that he would suggest to give us. $500! Wow. It wasn’t so much the fact of the cost, our baby was priceless, we would pay whatever it took, the problem was is trying to get all this money in large sums. They didn’t take payments. They had to receive the payment in full before any services were given.

We go to our consultation. The doctor does the pelvic ultrasound and once again says how great my ovary and uterus looks. He said that he would suggest we go the IUI route first. This meant that I would inject myself with medication during the course of 5 days, come back for an ultrasound to see if any eggs matured, and if so, inject myself with what was called a trigger shot, then come back 2 days later to be artificially inseminated with my husband’s soldiers through a large needle that would go into my vagina to have a more clear shot to getting the eggs fertilized. Yeah. Exactly my thought. HOLY CRAP!

If that information wasn’t overwhelming, wait for this. He said that each shot ran us about $100 a day and the trigger shot was $250. I would have to have a period first. Once I got a period, on the second day of full flow, I needed to go ALL THE WAY TO UCSF (reminder, 1.5 hours away from home) and get a pelvic ultrasound to make sure all was well, which would cost us $150. Then I would inject myself with a shot daily for 5 days. Each shot was $100 (total of $500) then I would have to go to UCSF AGAIN (another $150) for another ultrasound to make sure that there were eggs that had matured to at least a 14mm size. The goal was to at least get me to mature 2 eggs, 3 was ideal. If the ultrasound showed I was ready, I would then have to take the $250 trigger shot that will release the eggs. We would then go on the second day to UCSF, my husband would have to provide his sperm into a specimen bottle which would then be washed and sorted out to only leave the good sperms there. They would then put it in the big needle and insert it in me and release the sperm. This was the actual IUI and that portion would be $650. So, for one session (if EVERYTHING WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN) it would cost us about $1700 NOT including the time off and the gas and trip money to get there. That was just for one month’s treatment. The doctor then mentioned that before all this we needed to be tested, vaccinated and all this other stuff, including orientation. He said that would be an additional $200. But it would be a one-time thing. He said that by the end of October if all went well, we would be able to start.

Let me just say, I don’t know how the hell my husband did it, but he did it. We were able to save up for the first treatment (if nothing went wrong). About a week before we were supposed to start out treatments (end of October 2012) UCSF Fertility lighted my phone. They said that I showed that I hadn’t gotten a specific vaccination and that my thyroids were not at normal levels. I had to get the vaccination as well as get the thyroids at normal levels before proceeding with anything. This broke my heart, because they said that I would have to be on the medication for a month and that I wouldn’t be able to start any treatments until I was off that medication. Another set-back. I bursted into tears once again. WTF? This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were finally so close, yet once again so far. That month went by so slow. November came around and Thanksgiving was around the corner. I had a lot to be thankful for, but I was still so bummed.

Monday after thanksgiving I get a call from UCSF Fertility, I GOT THE CLEAR!!! I can start my medication! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I called the Pharmacy that is supposed to overnight the medication and let them know that I will need it. They FedEx me $750 worth of injections. Gosh that hurt our bank account. But it was all going to be worth it! I knew it. I started on a high dosage of Provera to start me on my period. I started my period on Sunday, December 2^nd! That meant that I had to call the weekend nurses to let them know that I had my period and that I needed to go in tomorrow for the Baseline Ultrasound (that’s their fancy term for “you just started your period, let’s make sure you are ok to continue with injections now). I was so excited!!! My husband and I headed to UCSF on a cloudy day that Monday, Everything was good! No cysts, healthy lining of the Uterus… I got the all clear! They told me to start on the injections tonight.

9pm comes around. I’m ready to insert the first injection. Oh God! Scary! Ha! Yet so thrilled to be getting here. I bet I won’t need more than one round of this. I’ll get pregnant on the first try. 2^nd day came, 3^rd day came, 4^th day came, 5^th day came, and then Back to UCSF for another $150 ultrasound. The doctor is looking, and he says. “Hmm... well, it looks like you need 2 more days of injections and I want to do an estrogen level check as well so we’ll need to draw some blood. Your follicles are not growing much. You have 1 at definitely less than 8 mm; therefore we need to leave you on some more medications.”

That’s ok. Another $200, but I mean it’s hard to get it right at the first try. I go to the Pharmacy (since the pharmacy that they normally send it to me overnight wasn’t going to be able to get me meds to me in time) and ONE INJECTION COST ME $200! It was double the price! Grr! Then if that wasn’t enough, the doctor told me to order 4 injections instead of just 1 more from the pharmacy that sends them to me because it was probable that I might need to have more injections done! That was an addition $600!!! He said to schedule another ultrasound in two days. Depending on how the estrogen level was today, I might have to reschedule that pelvic ultrasound. That means that in the near future another $150 ultrasound and another drive up here. Oh god.

To make a long story short, I ended up doing 2 more days of one injection, going to do my estrogen level again at UCSF without an ultrasound I was at 30. I needed to be above 120! He put me at 2 injections a day for the next 3 days and then another trip for estrogen check-up, levels went to 56! Not quite there. He put me at another 3 days of 3 injections a day, brought me back to do an estrogen check-up, went back down to 38! WTF? Are you serious? He decided that day to bring me in again (remember every time it’s an 1.5 hours trip there and 1.5 hours trip back, plus missing work) There was 2 follicles one at 10 and one at 9mm. We were running out of time. The lab to do the IUI never closes except for Christmas Day-Jan. 3^rd. We had to have the IUI done by Christmas Eve. He puts me at 4 injections of Menopur (that’s the name of the injections) a day for the next four days, does an estrogen level again and finally it goes up to 139! Thank God! December 23 is here and he says that we need to do the trigger shot today, but that the IUI needs to be rushed to do on the 24^th since the 25^th will be closed.

Damn it! He said that it won’t be as affected but we can only hope and that if we don’t do it, we can count this month good bye! Goodbye? That would of meant that all the time from work, all the drives up here for estrogen level check-ups and the $5950 that was spent on medication (due to times I needed to get it from the San Francisco Pharmacy at $200 an injection because of the delay of getting it from the mail-order pharmacy) would of all gone down the drain? We cancelled Christmas with our family; we were living in poor house and having all of our savings taken away, our families giving us money to help pay for some of the stuff and now this!? Ugh!

Christmas Eve 2012, we were at UCSF early in the morning. We were there to provide the sample first and then to get the IUI. If this worked, (which I was hoping and praying and just absolutely begged to God would), we would find out in 2 weeks, January 7^th, 2013 to be exact, if I were pregnant. Oh my god! I couldn’t help but glow that entire day.

New Year’s Eve came around and we were at the point again of remember how the past 2 New Year’s we had been struggling. Once again we were here another year without baby Tristan, yet so close. So so close. Would 2013 be our year? Ugh! I was terrified of even thinking that. I didn’t want to jinx it for us!

January 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th, came and went. Only a few more days to find out!!! OH MY GOD, the suspense was killing me. I went to sleep on the 4^th, excited that each day was passing quickly.

“Baby, wake up. Wake up babe.” I wake up to my husband lightly trying to wake me up. “What time is it?” He says “7am, babe, there’s blood all over the sheets.” There was a stab in my heart. It didn’t work, I was sure it was going to work, my dreams were coming a reality, and they were just abruptly taken away!!!!! I bursted into tears as my husband hugged me. I got up and saw the blood and it was as if I had failed as a woman. I told him this was too much for me to handle, all the injections, all the “let’s see if your follicles want to cooperate”, all the missing work and the traveling to UCSF was taken its toll on me… all that money, all the debt, everything… so that I could get a period? This wasn’t supposed to happen! I was supposed to get my BFP!! I got cleaned up, and went to the computer, still crying, I told my husband that I was willing to try one more time if and only if he thought we could have the money for it. He said we would figure it out. Reminder, I was supposed to go on the second day of my period for my baseline ultrasound.  Therefore I called the nurse and she set me up for the following day for another $150 ultrasound.

I go in the following day, ready to conquer once again! This round would be my round! I do the pelvic ultrasound and the “STAND IN” doctor says, “Nati, we need you to come back in two weeks, there’s a small cyst on your ovary and it seems like a small activity of you OHSS, I don’t think this is an issue, so let’s just rest for 2 weeks. I do however, feel that your doctor needs to see the reports of this ultrasound, I noticed a small mass on your ovary.” F%#$! No!!! Not a mass!! God please not this again!!!!!! Why?????????? That entire drive home I was balling my eyes out!!! This couldn’t be happening!!! This just couldn’t be happening to me again! There can’t be a mass! There just can’t a mass this quick! Why didn’t my doctor see it during all the other ultrasounds? This can’t be right!

2 days later my doctor calls me and he said that the “STAND IN” doctor misread the reports and that it was just residue of another cyst that had popped. I was angry! Relieved but ANGRY! How dare she give me such news without KNOWING what the hell she was talking about!!! I put in a formal complaint about that doctor. After I hung up, I couldn’t stop crying. The relief of it was stressing me out so much. And although angry, I couldn’t help but feel peace. The doctor had promised that from now on only he would treat me. Deal!

The rest of the two weeks passed by, the doctor did another $150 pelvic ultrasound and said, “You are clear and ready to start on injections. This time please start at 4 injections a day for the next 7 days.”

Holy Smokes!!! He means BUSINESS! Heck yeah!!! Only problem, the injections went up to $150 a piece now. Oh well, I ordered them. $4200!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s not including the pelvic ultrasounds I had ($300) and the trigger shot (now $270), I had already spent $4770! Oh god! Please please work. I do the 7 days’ worth of shots and go for a pelvic ultrasound again. 2 follicles at 10 and 14mm!!!!!!!!!! IT WORKED THIS TIME!! The doctor said to do 2 more days of 4 injections just to see if we could get them to grow a little more and make sure I could release both follicles, he also ordered an estrogen check-up.

He calls me and says, “Your estrogen level is at 198! Those addition shots will definitely help you!”

Oh my god!!! We were on schedule! (Nothing like the last round) I did my two additional days as asked. And went back to my pelvic ultrasound (another $150), I’m at 2 follicles! One at 16mm and another at 14mm and then a third popped up at 10mm!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!! 3 eggs!!! 2 of which are ready for the trigger shot and 1 which MIGHT be ready by the time I do the trigger shot! He tells me to do the trigger shot that night and that the IUI would be in two days. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! This is finally happening!! Know it!! It just felt right!!!

I do the trigger shot at 1030pm as instructed. Two days later, I head on over to the IUI with the hubs. We are glowing!! As we are driving to UCSF, we realized that we would have to test on Valentine’s Day!! February 14^th, 2013 would be our DAY!!!!! I just know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!What a perfect gift for both of us!

Ugh! The excitement is killing us. February 11th, we decide to go to celebrate Valentine’s Day (something we never do) only because we were afraid (that tiny doubt) that the process didn’t work. We were so sure that it did though. Why? Well my breasts felt really tender, I was nauseated, I had thrown up once a couple of mornings ago, and my body was feeling different. We wouldn’t help to feel so giddy.

Tuesday, February 12^th, I was at work, and I decide to go to the bathroom. As I get up to pull up my pants I turn to see the toilet and… is that pink pee? I can’t tell… was there something in the toilet before I peed? I mean, It can’t be my period right? Of course not, we knew it worked this time!!! Everything was on track! This couldn’t be happening again!!!! No, stop. Stop panicking, you just didn’t notice but there might have been something in the toilet. Just keep calm.

About 2 pm, I need to go pee once again. I’m terrified to go in there again. But I can’t hold it anymore. I go in, look in the toilet. Crystal clear and clean. Alright… let’s do this. I sit on the toilet and start peeing, but there’s not need to check anymore… there’s blood on my panties. Spots of blood. God!

Don’t start crying! Don’t start crying! I go into my Manager’s office and let her know I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay here. My heart was broken, I felt like if this was the feeling of having a miscarriage. We really thought we were pregnant. WE WERE PREGNANT, DAMN IT!!!!! WE WERE PREGNANT!!!! And now, I wasn’t. I head home and call my husband; I can hear the disappointment in his voice, yet always being strong for me. I can’t help but cry my eyes out as I drive home. This couldn’t be! It just couldn’t!

I get home and cry, I cry cry cry! I felt like my baby had been ripped from out of me. I hated myself so much!! I just wanted to die; I couldn’t deal with this pain. This horrible pain of feeling like I had just had lost a child. Within minutes my husband arrives home, he took the rest of the day off to come be with me. Why, God? Why would you do this to us?

We decided due to financial and emotional reasons to not go ahead with a 3^rd around. We had just totaled up our full IUI costs and it was more than $13,000, not including the unpaid time off we took from work and mileage and time to go to the UCSF. We were dead broke, we were without a successful pregnancy, and to top it all off, I was starting to get into a horrible depression.

This wasn’t fair. $13,000… we could have just frozen our eggs with that money… or better yet, paid for Invitro!

-To Be Continued-

4 injections of Menopur

The Trigger Shot

 

More Menapur shots

 

The morning of the 2nd IUI, already in San Francisco.

 

Yet the Journey to Baby Tristan Continues

I was able to come up with the courage to listen to this song to share with you. On those days I was waiting for doctor phone calls and those sleepless nights when I didn’t know if I was going to live or not... When the horrible thoughts infested my mind, I would scrap with music lightly being played in the background. One night… one horrible night that I was at my worst, this song came on the radio. It made me cry so much. It made me realize that the one good thing if I passed away was the fact that I would leave behind all these scrapbooks with pictures of my life, my beautiful moments with my husband and my family, but most importantly, I would be able to meet our creator, my God, and my grandparents whom were already in Heaven waiting for us. This song is so hard to listen to (although a beautiful song) because it takes me back to that night I had. Where I felt so little, so defeated. (Please Listen, even if you have heard it before.)

So, finally some great, amazing, extraordinary, out of this world, and outstanding news. My life couldn’t be so much better. So I had to wait a year.

Disclaimer: Something I forgot to mention was that although we were on fertility drugs in January 2011, we had decided to start the adoption process as well. We were going through Sierra Vista at the time, but were all put on hold when I was diagnosed with the Cancer.

My husband and I were in a small dilemma. We had just gone through hell and back and truthfully, we weren’t sure if we wanted to deal with the adoption process and the stressful time that it would be. (I don’t know if you know, but the adoption process is one hella of process). We decided to take the year off. Plus I had to do 3 month checkups for the next 2 years with my Oncologist and that alone was a hassle. I would have to go to San Francisco and do a blood sample and then go back 2 weeks later for the results every 3 months. It was a lot.

June 2011 came around (a month after the great news) and I headed back to work. Two weeks into my return, the big boss calls me in and tells me that he’s letting me go. I had been a temp for 5 years at this company, and although they used a lame excuse as to why I was being let go, I knew it was because of the time I had taken for the Cancer situation among other small things. He told me my last day was August 12, 2 days after my 5 year anniversary. Although hard to say goodbye, I was kind of ready for a change. My life had a new meaning at the moment and maybe this was something that was good for me.

Thankfully, I landed a job, which is my current work. I started October 4^th, 2011, and I’ve enjoyed my job very much. Full of wonderful people and such a different atmosphere, it’s great.

Although I was so happy with surviving such a horrible disease, once in a while I would have some horrible nights thinking about it, or thinking of the fact that now I have to be checked for the rest of my life, and the thought that it can come back. It’s not a guarantee that it won’t come back. The risk would significantly decrease if I get a hysterectomy. That wasn’t an option just yet. I wasn’t ready to give up on the dream of being a mother.

About a month in my new job, I started getting a horrible pain on my right pelvic side. Truthfully, it felt, OH TOO SIMILAR, to what I had felt back in February. I freaked out. Oh God! Please, please don’t tell me that my right ovary is in danger. Please! This is all I have, God Please! I made a Doctor appointment the following day, my OBGYN sent me for a pelvic ultrasound that same day. He called me and said, “I got your results. There’s a cyst, NOT A MASS that is causing you the pain. The PCOS is very active, Nati. We need to do surgery to remove that cyst, now.”

F$^#!! F$^#!! F$^#! F$^#!! This can’t be happening. I don’t care if he says it’s not a mass! I don’t care what he says! They are going to take my ovary! I’m not going to be able to ever have a child! I’m never going to be able to become a parent next to my amazing husband! I know he’s going to take it away! I just know it!

November 16^th came around. It was the day of the surgery once again. Once again, I was in a room waiting to be wheeled in to surgery, with my husband by my side. God. Oh, God. Why me? I had been crying all day the night before. I had cried so much, which truthfully, I didn’t have the energy or tears to cry anymore. My husband and I were silent. This was it, our last chance of conceiving our child, might be removed today. Our lives will change forever. Yet, there was nothing we could do. God. Why?

I’m wheeled away from my husband after he kisses me and tells me he loves me. I thought I didn’t have any more tears to spare, but apparently I did. A few silent ones. I’m taken into the surgery room. Once again, I’m in this stupid room. This is it. All I prayed was for God to give me the strength to deal with any change that might happen while I’m asleep.

I woke up in recovery and my husband was there. I was extremely groggy, but I could make out his smile. He said his tradition “good morning” (although it was afternoon) which he says every time I wake up from sleeping the night or from taking a nap. I’m terrified to ask. I close my eyes because I got really nauseous. Oh god, I think I’m going to throw up. Yup! I threw up. The nurse cleans me up and says it’s because of the anaesthesia. I open my eyes again and look at my husband, he smiles at me. I finally ask. What happened? He looks at me and says, “Your ovary is fine. The cyst popped and all they found was residue of it. It was successful; you still have all your parts!”

OH MY GOD! Thank you, Lord! Thank you for this opportunity!! Thank you for providing me with such joy! I couldn’t believe it! Everything was fine. I was so happy. I get discharged that same day and my parents and husband are at the house caring for me. My smile continued to show. Although we were already in November, I just couldn’t wait for this year to end. 2011 was DEFINITELY not our year. It was a year from Hell, but somehow we got through it and all thanks to our faith and our love and support.

December came and the holidays were around the corner. God I couldn’t wait for May to get here so we can try to conceive again. The thoughts of having Baby Tristan had never really left my mind. How could they leave my mind? If it weren’t for us trying to conceive I wouldn’t have been going to the doctor so frequently, and my story could have been so much different. I believe baby Tristan (although not with us just yet) sent us this blessing from above. The blessing to find this horrible disease in time.

New Year’s came around once again. I couldn’t believe everything we had gone through this year. Last year, on this exact date, I was on fertility medication, waiting to see if I could get pregnant, and exactly a year later I had gone through a lifetime’s worth of suffrage in my opinion. Oh what a year could bring. What a life.

We brought in the New Year with joy in leaving the 2011 year behind us. Never to wanting to remember it again. 2012 would bring other obstacles, we knew that. But we hoped and prayed to God that 2012 would leave the word Cancer behind us.

 

-To be continued-

May 12th: Another Unforgettful Day.

This is really hard to continue writing. Because of that, I decided to take Sundays off from posting for now. All these memories are coming back strong, and I don’t like it one bit. I don’t know you can imagine how hard it’s been to think about these things, let alone live those nights and days. But I try to be strong.

… A few weeks passed by, on and off I would have days and nights that just wouldn’t really work for me. I was miserable and officially depressed. I was on depression medication and I still had those horrible feelings that I was going to die. Scrapbooking was my therapy during this time. Would spend hours and hours scrapbooking. I wouldn’t go to bed until 1 or 2 am and then I would wake up and do it all over again. My mom would help me a lot. She would be over every day to help me clean and make dinner for my husband. Our families from both sides were so supportive. My in-laws were always making sure we were ok and it was good all around. But I still was dealing with Cancer. It couldn’t get off of my mind.

It was the day of my first appointment at UCSF. My dad and husband asked for the day off from work and we left early enough to make the appointment on time. My doctor was a nice very young woman, whom seemed very aggressive with treatment. She asked me some questions and then gave me some good news within all this bad news.

She mentioned that my OBGYN did an extraordinary job with the surgery and he did lots of wonderful notes. She said that she believes that all the cancer is out and I should be fine now, but we can’t be 100% sure of that until we do another surgery. She called the surgery Laparoscopic wash and (something else that I can’t think of right now). I mentioned that we had been planning a cruise that was coming up at the end of April since two years ago, and that I didn’t really want to miss it. She said she would try to do the surgery when I came back.

Overall, the appointment went well, nothing to major. She put me down as a Stage 1B Cancer patient. As she comes back to the consultation room she says, “Ok it’s time for the biopsy of your uterus to make sure there is nothing abnormal about it.” “What do you mean doctor?” “Well, if it is abnormal we might have to do a hysterectomy. We’ll get the results in about 1 week or so.”

Hysterectomy? I can’t have a hysterectomy! I want to have a baby. This can’t happen. Oh my god! This can’t happen to me! This can’t! This is going to be the longest week in my life!!! Oh my god!!!

 We headed home. I slept all the way home. I was tired. Exhausted from so much that had been going on. Crying, being happy, being depressed, and my world was changing so fast. Then I received a phone call. It was the UCSF Doctor’s office. I heard the voicemail, “Hi, Natividad. This is your doctor calling. I have been trying to contact your OBGYN office and they are not returning my call, so I have no choice than to ask you to call them. I need to know if he took out the tumor as a whole or he took it out in pieces. I have the specimen here but unfortunately it’s in pieces because it’s been examed so I can’t go off of that. If he took it out as a whole that’s perfect, but if he wasn’t able to, then that means you automatically become a Stage 2A Cancer patient because Cancer cells could have attached to other parts of your organs. Please let me know if you find something out and I’ll do the same.”

WAIT! What? Are you joking? Oh God! No more bad news, please please God! I get on the phone and call my OBGYN’s office and the nurse says that the doctor will be out for the rest of the week. What am I going to do until then? First, I’m waiting on results on the biopsy. Now this?

Scrapbooking wasn’t cutting it as therapy right now. It just wasn’t. I went to bed that day depressed, feeling defeated. This was it. They were going to do a hysterectomy and then do chemo and radiation. I would lose my beautiful curly hair (I used to hate my hair, but I had found a new love for it).

The following morning, one of my friends called saying we should go to the scrapbook expo. I shouldn’t get alone. I said no, and then she finally convinced me to go. I got dressed, and my other friend was awesome enough to join us. We had our usual trip to the expo and then lunch at a nice place. I tried to enjoy myself. But my world was upside right now. I tried concentrating, but my life wasn’t my life. As we finished with the expo, and then with lunch, we were headed home. I was in the back seat, dozing off, when suddenly my phone rang. It was my OBGYN office. I felt my blood drain from my face to my feet. I answered.

“Hi Natividad? Yes this is the Doctor’s nurse, we were able to get a hold of the doctor and he apologizes to you and the doctor at UCSF, we resent all the notes that show all the details including that the tumor was taken out as a whole and NOT in pieces. “

I couldn’t help it but cry and say, THANK YOU a million times. I hung up the phone and started crying as a baby. My friends were overjoyed as well. Finally, some light in the tunnel!!! Finally, something to tell me it just MIGHT be ok. I call my husband right away and he sounds so relieved. I called my parents as well and my mom cries of excitement over the phone. There’s light. Not much, but some is enough.

The next 7 days were still torture though. To the point that I was still crying every day, still in disbelief that I was in such situation. My husband was very stressed out. The poor man didn’t know how to act sometimes, but I don’t blame him, neither did I. the 7^th day came around and still no call from UCSF with the results. I couldn’t get a hysterectomy, God. I just can’t. We want to have a baby. We want to have a baby and if that happens, it’s going to just kills us. 4 pm comes around and no call yet. I call UCSF and they tell me that they have no news yet. They said that sometimes it can take up to 2 weeks. Oh god. Another week of feeling like an eternity. The last 7 days went by feeling like a whole month had gone by.

Scrapping, scrapping scrapping. That’s all I wanted to do. On the 8^th day, around 10am, I decided to scrap some more while my mom was downstairs making me some soup, when the phone rings. UCSF is on my phone screen. This is it. This phone call might change my world from bad to worse… “Hello?” “Hi, Natividad? This is the doctor’s nurse and I’m calling you about the biopsy results. We just wanted to inform you that…” I have tears running down my eyes, I can’t stop them. I just wanted to scream to the world. My mom had made it upstairs already when she heard the phone ring. She was right there by my side waiting to hear the results. “Your results came back negative. Your uterus, cervix and all other areas of the reproductive system are doing just fine.”

I say thank you and hang up. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!! The happiness and joy can’t stop from bursting out of me. My mom hugs me and tells me to call my husband right away. He’s going to go be so relieved. My mom tells me to not move around so much since my incisions were still really delicate, but I can’t help it. I’m ok!!! We just have to do that other surgery and if can get everything cleared from there, I would just have to do a few rounds of chemo and radiation and that’s all. Oh my god!!!! Thank you my god! THANK YOU!!!!!!!

UCSF called me back a couple of days later to schedule the new surgery. It would be on Friday, April 29^th. Perfect. Our cruise was going to be from April 10^th to the 16^th. We’ll be great! We would have to take it easy, but we’ll be fine.

We left to Long Beach to go to our cruise the following morning, as we arrive to the hotel, I realize, there’s blood spots on my underwear and when I went to poop, there was blood mixed in with the poop. Oh god? What does that mean? Not now. This is our vacation. Oh God. I can’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to be worried about me. I couldn’t hide it from my husband though. We couldn’t call the doctor because it was a Saturday. We would just have to see what happens during the week. I already had a doctor’s appointment set up for when we come back, so I should be fine this week. Just ignore it and enjoy.

And I did just that. We had a great time on our cruise (please see pictures below). When we came back from our cruise, I was ready to conquer the world once again. My surgery was 13 days away, and I was in great spirits. Those spirits would be low at times in the evening when the tiredness of the day would settle in, but overall, I was good.

The day finally came. My surgery day was here. My parents and husband came with me. I went into prep and got ready to be put in to surgery. Once again silently crying as they pushed me away from my loved ones, I was alone. But this time, I felt that this would be it. This will get me through to finally becoming parents. No Cancer is going to be found and this will finally be our turn. Although we were barely in April, I wanted 2011 to end already.

The surgery was very extensive. It took 9 hours. They washed my insides, took my appendices out and just moved everything that was in there all around searching for any signs of cancer. When I woke up, I was in a lot of pain. So much more pain than the c-section surgery I had a couple of months ago. I felt like they had beat me up with a bat. Like if my entire insides were taken out and stomped on and then put back in. Thank God for pain medication. I woke up and saw my parents and husband there. It made me smile, especially when they said “They didn’t find anything wrong. Everything went great and you still have your uterus and ovary.” I dozed back to sleep with a smile on my face. This was awesome.

That night was a painful one. Not only was the room TINY and my poor husband needed to sleep on a chair, but I just didn’t sleep at all. We took walks every 2 hours. 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am, 7am, and then my parents woke us up at about 10am. NO SLEEP WHATSOEVER. I wanted to go home. I missed my bed, and the fact that I still had an hour and a half drive home was something I didn’t look forward to. I was in a lot of pain. I could barely walk. Seriously, MUCH worse than the c-section. Weird right? Thankfully the doctor discharged me around 12pm and away we went.

My post-op appointment was scheduled for May 12^th, 2011. As we head into the consultation room, I do a little prayer. Please let this post-op appointment be NOTHING like the last one. We sit down, my husband, my mom and I. It’s an eternal wait for the doctor to come in. It seriously had felt that we waited there for an hour when just 10 minutes had passed. Finally the doctor comes in. She tells me something I’ll never EVER forget. “Your surgery went well; we found that you are completely clean. I’m leaving you a Stage 1B cancer patient on the notes and that you are now a Cancer Survivor. All is well and after a long discussion with the medical board, they do not find the need to put you through chemo in order to not do any more damage to your uterus and ovary so that you may have a healthy pregnancy if you decide to do so. I do not recommend any type of fertility treatment until 12 months from now.”

I’M CANCER-FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M OK!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO LIVE!!!!!! (I’m crying right now as I type this. You don’t understand how much this entire event of my life tortured my family.) I didn’t care that we had to wait a year to try to conceive again. All I cared about was the fact that I was cancer-free. I was given another chance. I couldn’t be any happier and overjoyed.

The doctor releases us from the appointment and my husband and mom take a moment to just breathe in and understand what just happened. A few months ago I was told I had Cancer, my whole life was meaning nothing, and yet right now, as I’m walking out the building my eyes only see light. By some reason, it was a bright and clear day in San Francisco that morning. You could see EVERYTHING… like a way of God telling me that my future was bright.

My dad was so overjoyed as well. Shedding some tears, he said, let’s go have lunch! My brother’s, dad, mom, and us (my husband and I) went to have a delicious lunch that day. Our faces couldn’t show a bigger smile.

 

May 12^th, you will NEVER be forgotten.

 

-To be Continued-

Scrapbook Day with my dear friends.

 

Cruise time with the Family

A Pause On History

Sorry for the pause, I forgot to mention I will not be posting on Sundays. Come back tomorrow, though. You are all keeping me sane.

Enjoy your Sunday!

-Nati Tristan-

March 3rd, 2011: The Day I Will Never Forget.

Got your attention yet? You know, and the pain that I write this with, and the tears that burst out at times when I’m writing this, doesn’t compare to when I was living it. It’s such a horrible hurt that you just can’t explain. No words can fully describe it enough to the point that you feel the same hurt and pain as when you lived it. But here I am now. Telling my journey to you. I’ve obviously survived this far. But not without scars. I have invisible and visible scars all over my body and each one tells this journey that I’m sharing with you.

Noticed the date? February 22^nd. Today, 3 years ago, I was or had been in surgery. The day I felt my life had changed so much, and still, little did I know there was more to come.

I specifically remember waking up ever so lightly, as my eyes twirled and my mind was all wacky. I remember seeing very blurry and I caught a glimpse from the corner of my eye of a figure that seemed to be a nurse checking. I assumed I was in the recovery room, but not yet a regular hospital room. I barely was able to make out the words I asked her. “How was my surgery? Did they take out my ovary?” And as I was about to listen to her answer, a huge pain came in and I’m assuming she injected me with pain killers because it knocked me out without ever hearing the answer.

I woke up screaming in pain and trying to move. I could hear my mom and the nurse telling me to hold on that they were going to get medication. I didn’t know what had hit me but all I did know was that I had NEVER felt so much pain in my life. EVER! I open my eyes and there was a lot of blurriness. The sunlight of a beginning sunset was coming through a window. I can see my beautiful mom next to me, but I couldn’t make out if she was crying or not. Something didn’t feel right. What happened to only a few small incisions laproscopicelly? Why is my entire abdomen all bandaged up? Is this how laparoscopic surgeries feel like? I feel like my insides have been torn out! Ahhhhhhhhh! Why is it so f*&$ing painful???????. My mom tells me, “you had a C-section like surgery; they took out your ovary. Everything is fine now.” Within seconds I fell back asleep due to the nurse injecting me with some pain medication.  I knew it! I knew this would happen!

I finally wake up. Still in pain, but bearable pain. I look around and my husband is sitting next to the hospital bed and my mom and dad are sitting by my feet. They asked me how the pain was and I told them ok, but that I felt tired. They started telling me that the surgery lasted an hour more than expected and that my OBGYN came out to tell them that the surgery was a success, but they had to remove the ovary. He had mentioned that the mass (now being called a Tumor) was 7 INCHES IN DIAMETER!!! Yes, you read it right! 7 inches!!! And that the ovary had been dead for a while and there was nothing that can be done to save it. He said that due to the large tumor, he had no other choice than to open me up with an incision a little larger than a C-section as well as 5 laparoscopic incisions around my abdomen, one of which was long ways by my belly button. Great! That’s why I was in so much pain. They removed my right ovary and fallopian tube and I had a 7 inch TUMOR on my ovary.

The good news was that the Doctor did check the uterus and the left ovary and those seemed absolutely fine without any news of it being affected by this massive tumor.

I stilled cried though. I couldn’t believe I had only one ovary left. What makes doctors think I can get pregnant with one ovary if I couldn’t get pregnant with two? Cry Cry Cry! Frustration! Emotional! Depressed. All of the above. But nothing can be done now. The ovary was dead and it had to be done.

I spent the next two nights in the hospital, being visited by my family and friends and giving me a nice feeling of love during my emotional internal fight. My husband would come to the hospital as soon as he got off of work and would bring me flowers and remind me how much he loved me throughout the day with texts. Maybe this is what I needed? Maybe because the ovary was dead it was confusing the other ovary and I wasn’t ovulating which in turn prevented me from getting pregnant. I still had time to get pregnant by 2011. I mean what the heck? 2011 can still be our year, maybe not to be parents but to at least be pregnant and become parents in 2012! My mood changed. I was ready to conquer the world once again.

I was discharged from the hospital on Thursday, February 24^th by my OBGYN. He told me to come see him in a week, March 3^rd and that he had already scheduled it for 10am. Awesome. That was exciting because that means it was a post op appointment, he was going to release me and say that I would be able to go back on my Clomid and nothing will stop me now because I have a great ovary and uterus and I’ll be pregnant in no time! 2011, you will be my year! Totally!!!

My mom took me home from the hospital, kept me in bed (because with a C-section like incision the last thing I needed to do is run up and down the stairs) and just took care of me, while my wonderful husband worked. It was a smooth recovery, and I couldn’t wait for the post op appointment that was coming up. I think I only had cried one day, just because of the thought that I didn’t have my right ovary anymore, and that little smudge of doubt was in my mind still… but overall I was ok.

Thursday, March 3^rd came. I couldn’t sleep. I was SO excited! I woke up at 5am that day and woke up my husband before his alarm to talk to him about how excited I was with this appointment. He was semi-excited too, but he also told me to not be heartbroken if he tells me I have to wait a little longer to get on the meds again. I said I would be ok with that, but that this is the road that will finally be taking us to baby Tristan. He smiled and started getting ready for work. He helped me get my pajama pants (the best ones we could find, since I still couldn’t wear regular pants because of the incisions) and a nice shirt to match the pants with my jean jacket since it was a little breezy out. My hair the morning was cooperating really well with me. Everything was. I just KNEW this was going to be a great day! My mom had planned to come home and make me my favorite broccoli soup and I was just happy! I hadn’t felt like this in a while. Plus, my parents had bought me my new Michael Kors purse and I was going to take it with me to the doctor’s appointment. Ha! Pajama pants and a Michael Kors purse! Funny! Oh well!

My mom arrives at the house, she helps me down the stairs and we get into the car. I’m all smiles. We have the stereo on and we even sang a song together with the radio that we both liked.

Before I continue, let me tell you something about my OBGYN. The little that I had met with him, he was ALWAYS smiling, making jokes, and just making you feel comfortable. Very easy going doctor and just good to be around.

As we arrive to the doctor’s office, I can’t help to almost want to run, but obviously that wasn’t going to happen. We start walking up the first flight of stairs that lead to the entrance of the building, as we arrive to the top there is a woman with her husband and toddler. The husband was carrying the toddler and the woman was throwing up in the trashcan. I hear her husband say, “yup you are pregnant, honey!” Geez, I hope that’s me one day (ok, maybe not throwing up in public, but being able to be told by my husband that I’m pregnant as he’s hold one of our toddlers). We continue to walk into the building and head on to the elevator, LONGEST TRIP OF MY LIFE! I just wanted to be in the consultation room already! I wanted him to check me and say ok, you can start your meds in a couple of weeks…. AHHH! Hurry up, Nati!

We finally arrive into the lobby of the doctor’s office and they check me in. Within a couple of minutes they call me in and we are finally in the consultation room. My mom and I are just waiting for my happy-go-lucky OBGYN that always has a smile on his face to come in the door. We wait. We wait. We wait. Finally! The door opens, he comes in…. why does he look so serious? Hmm… maybe he’s just having a bad day.

He sits down in front of my mom and me (we are sitting next to each other in the chairs that were in the consultation room) using the step stool to get on to the medical examination bench as a chair.

I remember the conversation well. At least to some point.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling good, Doctor. In some pain, but getting through it.”

“So as you know we took out your ovary, and the tumor attached to it. We got the result back.”

… silence…..

Oh god. Oh god. This was just supposed to be a F*$&ing PRE OP APPOINTMENT!!!!!

“It was a malignant tumor. You are diagnosed with Cancer.”

It didn’t hit me. It put me in a trance… his voice was muffled after that… All I could hear was “you have cancer, you have cancer.”

The doctor left the consultation room to get what I could barely remember being the paperwork to refer me out to UCSF Gynecological Oncology Department. My mom was in tears. But I was still in a trance. Everything was a blur. Did he really just say I had cancer? I remember pinching myself a little. I hadn’t even noticed tears coming down my eyes…. Until I felt something wet on my shirt. Apparently I had a blank stare with just tears coming out.

The doctor handed me the paperwork and said some more things that I couldn’t remember and still to this day can’t remember. I got up; my mom helped me out of the consultation room, out to the lobby, out towards the parking lot and got me into the car. As soon as I sat in the car, but before my mom could go around the car to sit in the driver’s seat, I absolutely bursted in to what felt an uncontrollable cry. I was crying like if my mother had just died as well as my dad and my husband and everyone. I felt death inside me. My mom hugged me from across the seat, but I didn’t want to cry with her. I wanted to cry and scream and run. I wanted to run away and never comeback to this reality. This horrible reality that…. I might die? Oh god! I have cancer. Oh my god! Why did you do this to me? Why do you hate me!? Why God??????????????????????? WHY???????? What did I do to deserve this God? What have I done that is so horrible that you poisoned me with cancer? Why god?!?!?!

As I write this, I can help but cry. The memories from that day are still unbearable to this day. Yet, they are so burned into my brain that I will never forget them. I remember how it felt, the pain, the hurt, and the terror I felt inside was unexplainable….

As we are driving down Scenic Drive, my dad calls. (He always calls after a doctor’s appointment to see how it went), my mom freaked out. She didn’t want to tell him. He was at work and she didn’t want to worry him. But as I had already composed myself, I told her to answer and tell him the truth calmly. My dad’s voice paused from the speaker phone when my mom mentioned the word cancer. I could tell it had stabbed him hard. He said he was going to work until 2pm and then head home. My mom said ok, and hung up. As my mom continued to drive, with tears in her eyes, I look down on my phone. I didn’t want to call my husband. I had been dreading it since we left the parking lot. I don’t want to tell him that his wife has cancer and that she thinks she’s going to die and that she loves him so much that she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him behind. F*&^ YOU MARCH 3^rd!!! I F*&$CkING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!

I pick up the phone and tell my mom I was going to call my husband. She starts to cry some more. My heart is dead. Or so it felt like it. It rings a few times (which felt like it was 100 times) and he answers the phone. I went into a trance again. I don’t remember even talking to him, I just remember the pain of saying it out loud that I had cancer. I remember hanging up with him and just crying all the way home! My husband didn’t deserve this!!! He didn’t deserve to be put through this s#$t!! Why GOD!!!!! YOU, YOU DID THIS! WHY!?

I had to get a hold of myself. I needed to calm down. God didn’t do this…….. Right?  Of course not! We pull up to my drive way, we noticed my uncle was there with his family to see how I was doing. Oh god! They can’t see me cry. I have to be strong. Alright, Nati. Get it together.

We get off the car, open the door and said hi to them without direct eye contact. We go and sit on our sofas. And my uncle said, “Where were you?” My mom bursts into tears, I respond with, “We were at the doctor.” And he asked what had happened. And my mom comes and sits next to me and says to them, “The tumor had cancer, and she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. The doctor referred us to UCSF.” I remember my uncle and aunt’s face have a little shock that they were trying to hide. But it was inevitable. I mean, how could it not be shocking? Nobody expected this. For crying out loud, I didn’t even know Ovarian Cancer existed!!!!!!!

Family came throughout the day, and I was able to put some of the pain in the back of my mind. I had texted some family to let them know as well. My husband wouldn’t leave my side. I know it was hard for him, since my parents were there, family was there. I think he would have wanted a little alone time with me in order to mourn the news. Being the amazing husband that he was, he also knew this family distraction was good for me.

It was 10:45pm. Everyone was gone. March 3^rd. Oh March 3^rd. You will forever be remembered. You will forever be a stain in my memory.

We arrive to our bed, my husband helps me get on the bed (since my C-section was also opened a little and had to be re-shut during the doctor’s visit). As I lay there I start crying like a little baby. It hit me. It finally hit me and it hit me hard! I kept screaming, “I don’t want to DIE!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! Why me? I don’t want to die, babe! I don’t want to die!!!!!!!”

I cried for about an hour… silently for the last 15 minutes. We were lying in bed, and my husband’s undershirt was all wet. He was hugging me so tight during this entire time. I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to see if he was crying. I know he was though. I could feel him.

I fell asleep hugging the love of my life, while the thought of these nights being counted, roamed through my head. I didn’t know about a future anymore. I didn’t know about life anymore. I did know March 3^rd and 2011... I f&$*CKING HATE YOU!

-To be continued-

UTI? Yeah right! Guess again!

Now, before I continue my story, let me just say my emotions were up and down like a horrible rollercoaster ride during this time, there would be multiple nights that I would cry myself  to sleep. Especially on those nights that I had found out that either the medication didn’t work, I got a BFN, or in reality, even the fact that someone in my “circle” was pregnant.

Yup! (I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but if you have gone or are going through what I’m going through you will understand) Every-time a friend or a wife of a friend or a family member announced their pregnancy; I was… what’s the word…. Ah yes! DYING OF JEALOUSY! I know it sounds really bad and trust me, I struggled so much with that emotion. It made me so sad that I couldn’t feel the joy that I know I was capable of feeling for my loved ones during this amazing moment of their lives. But the sadness always overcame all emotions. When would it be my turn? When would all these hormones that I’ve been putting in my body be worth it all… the mood swings, the crying, the sadness, the hate of being me at moments (especially the first day of my period knowing that that first drop of blood is another reminder that I’m not fertile that month once again) all these emotions… that pain during these times would be at times unbearable. My husband had seen me at my lowest, yet he continued to be the strong one, the supporting one, the one that NEVER EVER lost faith (or at least didn’t show it) when I was starting to doubt. In addition, the cost was getting a little overbearing. Those pills (especially the Clomid) were not cheap and a month we were spending an additional $200-$400 bucks!

But I had to continue on with my small journey. We were in 2011 now. I was on all the right meds. 2011 would be our year (I kept repeating it to myself). I had such a bright future in my mind for 2011. I could feel it in my gut…. I could feel it so badly that I started noticing that I was getting very nauseated and… wait… was I causing myself to feel sick over this excitement? Was it the meds?

 We were in the end of January and we were heading to dinner with some friends. Our favorite wing place a couple of towns away. The car ride was making me nauseated and I was starting to cramp a lot. Since it had been a little over 25 days since my last period, I thought it was maybe PMS starting and once again another period and another opportunity to have Baby Tristan would be down the drain. So I ignored it… for a while at least. Friday, February 4^th came around (Yes, just a little over 3 years ago), no period, but still nauseated and with a stronger cramp that was more targeted to my right lower abdomen area. Hmmm. It was early in the morning, right before work, so I decided to take a pee test. For some reason, I decided to do it the “optional way” and pee in a cup first and then dip the stick instead of peeing on it directly. I had only done that one other time, but something told me to do this today. I put in the pee stick, wait once again the LONGEST few minutes of my life… preparing myself for that BFN. F*%$! It’s only been a minute…. HURRY UP! Yes! It’s time…

I pick up the pee stick… ERROR! HUH???????? WTF?!? Ugh! Fine, let me grab another pee stick from my PALLET of them! (This was an ongoing joke, I had to test almost every month therefore I would seriously have a ton of pee sticks at a time lol) Second pee stick was ready…. BFN! Of course! Why would it be any different right?  After bursting into tears and crying my eyes out once again (this was starting to be a weekly thing for some reason), I got ready for work and headed out there with the gloomiest of moods. What was that pain and nausea about? No period, but not pregnant. Great! Just great! I didn’t even have an OBGYN just yet because we hadn’t received our new insurance cards. I guess I would just have to wait it out. The only problem was, my OBGYN that prescribed me the Clomid and all the other junk, had mentioned that if I were to get absolute extreme pain I needed to head over to the ER since the possibility of Ovarian Torsion and/or rupture is possible.

Around 10am, as I’m sitting at my computer at work, I got this absolutely excruciating pain out of NO WHERE! Oh God it was horrid, I ran into the bathroom and threw up because of how strong the pain was. That helped me a little. I was able to wash up and call my husband at work. I told him I needed to be seen right away, but I had no OBGYN to go to. He suggested for me to go to the ER as directed by my pervious doctor and that he would meet me there. We get to the ER, they asked me if there would be a possibility that I could be pregnant, I said, “Well, we are on fertility drugs, so I guess so!” (Ok, let’s just say, when people asked me that, I would get butterflies in my stomach, why? I don’t know!) So they had me pee in a cup and put me in a room to wait. As my husband and I waited in the room, the pain was getting a lot better. Thank God! Soon after, the ER doctor came in… (One of the biggest jerks I’ve ever met and to this day think that he truly would have been the death of me if I had listened to him!) He said, “You have a UTI and I’m discharging you.” Really? But my previous doctor told you to do a pelvic ultrasound because I was on this medication that can damage my ovaries!

Well, after discussing with him and my husband telling him as well, he still discharged us. On my way home, I got to thinking, hmm.. maybe he was right. I mean obviously I’m not a doctor, and he’s  gone to medical school and got a great job at this wonderful hospital, he’s probably right.

The weekend was here, and although the pain wasn’t extreme anymore it was still there. Now on antibiotics and off the Clomid, Provera, and Clomid until further notice once again. Sunday evening came around and the pain hadn’t decreased. It was still there, the nausea was gone since I was also on nausea pills. My husband told me to call the family doctor (a doctor my parents go to) and ask him if he accept our new insurance (my husband’s new insurance card had come in the mail on Saturday), and to make an appointment with him. So Monday comes around. Still in pain, no nausea, no period, no nothing. I call the doctor’s office and get the insurance thing settle and thankfully they take it. I told them why I wanted to see the doctor and what medications I was on as well as how I ended up in the ER on Friday. The nurse gave me an appointment for Wednesday and then we hung up. Within 30-45 mins, the doctor’s office called and said that the doctor wanted to see me right away and I could come in within the next couple of hours. I talked to my manager, told him the situation and I left work. I was a nervous wreck! What did they need me for? OH MY GOD! Did they get the paperwork from the ER and realized they read the test wrong and I AM PREGNANT!? Is that what it is? Is that what my new doctor going to tell me? That I’m pregnant?

Now, before I continue, let me just say that a woman that is desperately trying to get pregnant (as I was) their mind always goes to pregnancy and babies. Ha! Just a little disclaimer so you understand the mess of a mind that infertility women have to deal with.

So I arrive to my doctor’s appointment very EAGER to hear those words come out of his mouth, “Nati, the ER is stupid, you are pregnant, let’s find you an OBGYN!” Ha!Ha! If only right? Anyways, they call me into the consultation room and another “LIFETIME” passes, ok, not a lifetime, probably 10 minutes, but still. Whatever! Haha! The doctor comes in and examines me. Asking me how long I’ve been on the Clomid and the other medications, pressing on my abdomen, and just listening to what the story was with the ER Doctor.

He asked me if I had mentioned to the ER Doctor that I needed a pelvic ultrasound due to the Clomid and I said, Yeah! I told him that both my husband and I told him multiple times and that the ER Doctor said (In a very rude way) that he was the doctor and that it was a UTI. My doctor was LIVID! He said “What a stupid idiot! I need you to go do a pelvic ultrasound as well as CT scan with dye. I’m going to order it “STAT” and I will be getting the results today. We need to make sure your ovaries are ok.”

I left the office in a little bit of a shock. What’s the big deal? I mean the pain was there, it was very uncomfortable, but I don’t think it needed to be “STAT”. I didn’t even think doctors’ used that word, I thought it was only a “Movies” word. Plus, it was February 2011, I’m already a month and a half into 2011. If I wanted 2011 to be my year, I needed to be pregnant by March in order to have the baby in December! Ugh! What the hell? Ugh! The building to both exams that the doctor had ordered was right across the street, but even then it gave me enough time to start a river of tears. This wasn’t going my way. 2011 is not starting well anymore. I’m off my meds, I’m in pain, ER visit, and now this? Ugh!

I arrive to the exams, get them all done, and head home. We were supposed to meet my parents for dinner at their house, which kind of worked out. It worked out because of a call that I received during dinner. Little did I know how much my world would change.

My doctor’s number showed up on my cell phone and I ran from the kitchen to the living room in my parents’ house, screaming “It’s the doctor, shhhhh shhh shhhh, it’s the doctor!” As I answered the phone, I expected to hear my doctor’s nurse on the other end, but to my surprise it was him. The actual doctor was on the line to talk to me about my result? My heart sank. I mean I just had this bad feeling right away. He tells me that he had received the results back, and that he knew I had been struggling with my PCOS and cysts growing periodically. He also verified that I was off the fertility medications and I confirmed. He then said, “We see you have a mass on your right ovary and although it’s not my expertise, I believe you need to have surgery as soon as possible before any damage is done on the ovary. It’s not a cyst anymore. It’s definitely a mass. I will be referring you to your new OBGYN who is right next door to me and whom I believe is best suited for such surgery as well. I’ve taken the liberty to have one of the nurses already set you up with an appointment with him. You will be meeting with him on Wednesday (remember we are still in Monday).” I said ok, and asked if I was going to have my ovary removed. He said he didn’t think so but that these exams can only tell so much of the story, so that decision will be made by my new OBGYN during the surgery.

As I hung up the phone, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I didn’t care that my brothers and parents were there. My husband was used to the crying so I know he wouldn’t care either. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I felt like my world was ending, because inside of me, I felt that I was going to lose my ovary and I was SURE of that. The next couple of days  until the appointment were hell. Randomly crying here and there. Depressed, sad, worried, everything was just horrible.

Finally my appointment came. I saw the new OBGYN and he mentioned that he wanted to do one more pelvic ultrasound in the consultation room. I said sure and he walked me through what he saw. On the screen there was my ovary… the right one to be more specific. As he talked… I couldn’t help but think that there were eggs in there… and that potentially one of those eggs was baby Tristan  just waiting for his daddy’s genes. Yup! There it went again, my mind just going at it and getting crazy.

The OBGYN said I did have to have surgery and that there was a chance I could lose my ovary, but it was a small chance from what he saw but couldn’t guarantee it. He had me do a pre-surgical appointment and set up my surgery for Tuesday, February 22^nd, 2011. The day after the 3-day weekend. Awesome.

During this waiting period of a couple of weeks, I was a mess here and there. I would have bad days, good days, but overall I was hopefully. My husband had pointed out to me that maybe that mass was what was preventing me from getting pregnant and that this was something God wanted me to have done in order to have a healthy pregnancy. True. My love always being so positive and helping me get through these hard times.

I specifically remember Monday the 21^st. We went to the mall, had a good lunch, and then went to the casino with my parents. I remember getting a phone call on our way home from my uncle in Mexico to wish me luck tomorrow and to tell me that everyone was praying for me. I felt good. I was ready to conquer this stupid mass.

The following morning we woke up at 4am got ready. Got my hospital bag ready (since the doctor said I might have to stay a night there) and off we went. I had to be checked in at 5am. My parents met us there and we were all ready to conquer the world with our faith. They called me in to the back, my parents stayed in the waiting room and my husband followed me and the nurse to the back. They got me changed into a gown, put a hairnet on, some warm socks, got my IV inserted, and I was ready for surgery. We watched TV  for about an hour. Infomercials and then 1 and a half episodes of Full House reruns… I know neither one of us could pay attention. We were so nervous. There was a lot at stake here. It was hard.

The nurse came in, and said, “Ready?” I looked at my husband, and stared at his worried face and a few tears came out from my eyes. “Yes, we’re ready.” He kisses my forehead and then my lips and they hauled me away in the bed. A huge knot in my throat as I’m separated from the love of my life. Crying in silence I’m taken into the operation room. The nurse leaves me there, and another person (the anesthesiologist) approaches me. She says, “I’m going to put you in a deep sleep now. When you wake up everything will be fine. Sweet dreams and good luck.”

“Thank……,” and I was asleep.

-to be continued-

And the Journey begins...

You’re back! So are you ready for the ride? I sure as hell wasn’t, but I didn’t really have a choice. Ha! I don’t think anyone would want to go through such a thing. Even if they didn’t want kids, most women want the option to at least be able to REJECT the idea of having kids, and not be forced to that decision.

At age 19, (I’m now 29), my OBGYN said to me, you have PCOS. Meh! At the time I was, “Whatever, I’ll worry about it when I get there.” Fast-forward now to when I was 23, a couple of months before getting married (I got married in November of 2007), I went to my OBGYN for my annual check-up and the conversation of my wedding started. My doctor then asked me if I was planning to continue on the birth-control (since I had been on it for the PCOS). I told her that I wasn’t sure, I said that I remembered she had mentioned something about maybe having some issues trying to get pregnant if my PCOS got very active, but my fiance and I didn’t want to have kids right away. We left it at, I would talk to my soon to be husband and see what we decide. So after discussing it carefully with my fiancé, we decided to not be on birth-control and see what the future held for us. Little did we know what a ride it would be.

We got married, had a wonderful large wedding with all of our loved ones sharing the moment. One month, three months, nine months, fifteen months went by and nothing. It was weird. I hadn’t got a period for the past 12 months. We had been off birth-control for 15 months and no baby? The worry started. After I got off the birth-control in November, I had a regular period for 3 months, and then by the time our second Valentine’s day came around in 2009, I had gone without a period for a whole year! Something was up. I decided to visit my OBGYN on an irregular visit to discuss my situation a little further.

She mentioned to me that I should get a pelvic ultrasound and see what’s going on. So I did. The results came back and she said, “Your ovaries seem to have a few small cysts. It’s nothing to worry about, but it’s preventing you from getting a period, which is why you used to be on birth-control. What I can do is provide you with the beginning stages of fertility treatments for PCOS Patients, if and only if, you and your husband are ready to be parents.” My husband and I had already discussed the fact that we were ready to be parents, therefore, I said sure, and she started me on 500 mg of Metformin (this medication is used for diabetics as well as PCOS patients) for  3 months. In June, She then upped the dosage to 1000 mg (2 pills a day) and Provera. This combination actually got my ovaries working and I had a period for 5 months. A couple of BFN’s because my period was a little wacky and sometimes they would be late, but no pregnancy. My OBGYN then increased my Metformin from 1000 mg to 1500 mg and my Provera continued. We went with it until the last week of April in 2010.

While on vacation in Mexico City with my family, I got really sick. Nausea, dizziness, faint-feeling, if I hadn’t had my period a week and a half earlier, I would have thought I was pregnant without a doubt. My mom was so adamant about it, though, that she even had me doubting. Could this be it? Can I really be preggers? So she ran to the pharmacy and got me a couple of pee sticks, more BFN’s! Blah! Whatever. It’s fine, I probably just ate something and got me this sick. We came back home and the following day as I’m getting ready to go to the doctor to see why this nausea and sickness hadn’t left my system, I fainted coming out of the shower. HOLY SMOKES! Maybe I am pregnant and I’m just one of those people that never gets a positive test and needs to get a blood test!! OMG! OMG! OMG! So many thoughts running through my head. My mom came, drives me to the doctor, and the doctor orders some blood test. Within hours the results are in and he calls me. Galbladder stones and another BFN. That’s what was causing my sickness. May 29^th comes around (2010 still!) and I ended up in the emergency room getting my gallbladder removed. Since I had been sick since the beginning of May the doctor had order to take me off the Metformin and the Provera until further notice.

Ugh! The freaking frustration. Another hold up! What the heck? Come on! Seriously?!? Finally, September 2010 my OBGYN gives the ok to restart the Metformin and Provera. September didn’t work, October didn’t work, and then November comes along and no period. I freaked out! Another BFN once again and my “freaked out” mood, is a frustration mood now. I never got my period for November. It just completely skipped. So my OBGYN is visited once again and started me on Clomid (in addition to the Metformin and Provera). Clomid, the miracle pill. That pill that will get a door knob pregnant, according to resources! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!! This is it. 2011 will be my year. We are in the end of 2010. It’s December, and I’m starting CLOMID on 100mg (NOT 50 as they recommend to start on, but 100!!!) Oh my god!!

New year’s eve came along. We were at my uncle’s home celebrating with family. 11:55pm. Everyone is up and ready, champagne in hang and our traditional grapes in hand as well. I decide to go to the bathroom before the big MIDNIGHT CONGRATULATORY HUG. I sit on the toilet, start peeing and look down… pink/red residue. Ugh! Didn’t work! The Clomid didn’t work, but that’s fine, at least I got my period this time, right? I leave the restroom, just in time for the ball to drop on the tv. It’s 2011 now… this will be our year! I know it will! It has to be! I’m on all the right meds and my OBGYN (which is no longer my doctor because in 2011 my husband’s new insurance would kick in and she wasn’t covered by it) got me covered until March with new meds so that I can have enough time to seek a new OBGYN. And hopefully be pregnant by then.

2011 was going to be our year…… I just knew it.

 

-to be continued-